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Micallef Tonight - Episode
13, Part Five
Music, MT logo with
microphone picture and trademark zoomy neon. "Audience
Participa-Shaun" framed board thingy shows up. Pete
(voiceover):
It's time for Audience Participa-Shaun, where you the audience get
to be the supernova as we play the all new "Leopardy"! Leopardy
board with superimposed: "'LEOPARDY' © ™ CONCEPT AND VARIATIONS INCLUDING
(BUT NOT LIMITED TO LIONY!, CHEETAHY!, PANTHERY!, AND TASMANIAN TIGERY!
WHOLLY OWNED BY MICALLEF PRODUCTIONS PTY. LTD. THE MAKERS OF JEOPARDY WITH
TO MAKE IT KNOWN THAT THEY ARE IN NO WAY CONNECTED TO LEOPARDY" Roaring "roar" sound
effect sounds effectively as Shaun and Francis walk in front of Leopardy
board. Pete
(voiceover):
Over to you, Bert and (something-)son! Shaun:
Thankyou very much, Pete. And Francis,... Shaun:
... may I be frank with you? Francis:
You may, Shaun! Please do. Shaun:
(Does one of those many weird voices:) What a weekend.
(Back to normal:) Thankyou very much. And now,
once again we are contestantless, aren't we? Francis:
We are, sadly, Shaun... But never fear, for even as I speak, he or
she is being selected by the Micallef Tonight French
stereotype. Shaun:
Thank Christ for that. Well, while that's occurring, let's find out
what our contestant is playing for tonight. Pete! Pete
(voiceover):
Francis! Shaun:
Len! Long pause. Bloke with
a nametag ("LEN") responds. Len:
Pete? Pete
(voiceover):
Francis' knee! Francis' knee
appears. Francis'
knee:
Keith! Keith Urban at Shaun's
desk. Keith:
Livinia. Livinia Nixon stands in
a cinema somewhere. Livinia:
Shaun! Back to Francis and
Shaun at the Leopardy board. Shaun:
Pete! Pete
(voiceover):
That's right, Shaun... Shaun
bows. A tent, covered in a
tarpalin and a sleeping bag look-a-like, surronded by a variety of camping
equipment. Game-show prize music plays. Pete
(voiceover):
... stop living and start decomposing in your brand new house made
entirely of manchester. Flimsy, yet colourful, it features a variety of
sheeted walls - some with strings - as well as this striking doona façade.
And it comes to you from Little Tents - aren't you a little tense? Pete
(voiceover):
- That doesn't even make any sense! -
Then get away from it all on your new bike.
It's from Repco, a name that's almost an anagram of "epoch". A game-show door with
"glamorous" model opens to reveal and old couch and
telly. Ridiculously tanned
model sits on couch. Pete
(voiceover):
No, not that model's sun-shrivelled hide, the appalling couch she's
sitting on! It's a Jason Reclina Rocker... The words "Jason
Reclina Rocker" pop up briefly. Pete
(voiceover):
... need I say more Yes, probably. TV with stuck-on
picture of grinning face. "JVC" superimposed. Pete
(voiceover):
Dear God! And God help anyone foolish enough to try and watch
anything on this TV - what with that grinning lunatic stuck to the bloody
screen! I mean, freak me sideways, it's a television, not a photo-album,
JVC! Capiche?! B&W footage:
Curtains open to reveal grinning model in wedding-dress, holding a dainty
little bouquet. Pete
(voiceover):
Or how about this delightful Russian mail-order bride? Packaged in
sturdy bubble-wrap and cardboard, she comes to you from Plopov's of
Gladimostov and leaves you six months later, when the visa comes
through.
Back to you, Tango and Cash. Back to Shaun and
Francis at Leopardy board. Shaun:
Thankyou very much, Pete! Francis:
Ah, Shaun, here they come now. Shaun:
Superb. Superb, superb, superb. Audience member,
Louise, comes on with the French stereotype, who has a poodle and
baguette, among other things. Shaun:
Please thank the Micallef Tonight French stereotype! French stereotype
salutes with baguette. French
stereotype:
(Thick French accent:) You're welcome, Meesterrr Meecarleef. Shaun:
Oh thankyou very much. French stereotype
leaves. Shaun:
And Francis, whom do we have here? Francis:
Shaun, I'd like you to meet Louise. Shaun:
Hello Louise. Francis:
(Reads from his Micallef Tonight ring-binder) Louise is from
Geelong... Shaun:
Yes. Francis:
... she's a hairdresser... Shaun:
Yes. Francis:
... and a bit of a party-girl. Shaun:
Oh, I see. Francis:
She likes bike-riding, clothes-shopping and having coffee with
friends. Shaun:
Alright. Superb. And what sort of coffee do you like ingesting with
your friends? Louise:
Soy lattes. Shaun:
Soy latte? Louise:
Mmm. Shaun:
Not Soylent Green? Everyone (but Shaun and
Francis) laughs. Shaun:
Oh, I got more of a response this week.
Not Soylant Green, okay. 'Cause, you know
(Soylant Green voice:) Soylant Green is people.
Peeeepolllllll! Not much of an audience
response after "Peeeeepollll!" Shaun:
Damn! Should've quite while I was ahead.
Alright, now, Louise, you ready to play
Leopardy? You ever played Leopardy before? Louise:
No. Shaun:
No, well not surprising; we made it up. We couldn't use Jeopardy
'cause they'd sue our arse, apparantly. We changed it to Leopardy.
Francis, if you could just back off... Francis:
Yes, I'll just pull you back. Francis pulls Louise
back slowly out of the way of the Leopardy board. Shaun:
Back off, man! Back off!
(Paused here, Shaun resembles an angry
penguin) Francis:
Here we go. Shaun:
Now there are four categories here, Louise: Famous Freddies... "Ding!" sound as
"Famous Freddies" lights up on the board. Shaun:
... Ants... "Ding!" Ants lights
up. Shaun:
... Queen Lyrics... "Ding!" and
light. Shaun:
... and Brian May. Light,
"Ding!" Shaun:
Brian May from the ABC showband, you remember him? Francis and Louise
mover back in front of board. Shaun:
Alright. Now, there are four items here. We'll ask you three
questions - you'll pick the category... Louise:
Yep. Shaun:
... whichever one you want, and we'll ask you three questions. If
you get them all right, you could win this... Drumroll and footage of
an operation. Pete
(voiceover):
That's right, Shaun. Louise, you'll enjoy seventeen free hours of
open heart surgery, courtesy of the first year diploma of health students
at Box Hill TAFE! Anasthetic not included. French stereotype holds
poodle and raises some free passes and a CD from behind
it. Pete
(voiceover):
Or Ricky Martin's CD and tickets to Take Away! Back to the Leopardy
board. Shaun:
Excellent. Okay, Louise, now the choice is yours. Francis pulls Louise
back again. Shaun:
Choose one of our categories there. Which one would you like? Louise:
Umm... Famous Freddies. Shaun:
Famous Freddies! (Lowers hand to four boxes below the Famous
Freddies heading) Okay, which one? Louise:
That one you're pointing to. Shaun:
This one I'm pointing to? (Spins it. The reverse face is identical
to the front: "?") Oh, it's a pointless board! Francis, the question, if
you please. Francis and Louise move
back and Francis gets the question from his
ring-binder. Francis:
Certainly. Now, Louise, here's your question. Shaun:
Alright. Francis:
True or false? Freddie Kruger starred as a knife-fingered maniac in
the film Herbie Goes to Montecarlo. True or false? Louise:
True. Chime signifies correct
answer. Shaun:
True! Francis:
Yes! Shaun:
Yes! It's true! (Spooky voice:) Yes, Louise, it's true! Louise and Francis
retreat again. Shaun:
Alright. Let's do another category, Louise. Louise:
Queen Lyrics. Shaun:
Queen Lyrics. Which one? Louise:
The bottom one. Shaun:
The bottom one? Okay. (Spins the top box) There we go! Oh, it's
another question! Francis:
Alright. Shaun:
What is it? Oh... Shaun
& Francis:
Queen Lyrics! Shaun:
Quickly! (Checks watch) I've got the Sopranos fans. They'll
be writing to the Green Guide, going, (mimes typing slowly with two
fingers and speaks stupidly:) "Dear Sir..." Francis:
Queen Lyrics. (Reads question:) From the song Bohemian Rhapsody, is
this lyric true or false?
"Mamma mia, mamma mia, mama mia, let me
go"
"Beelzebub has some biscuits put aside for me,
for me, for me." Louise:
False. "Correct" chime
chimes. Shaun:
False! Oh yes, Louise. Francis:
Hooray! Two out of three! Shaun:
Okay one more, Louise. Francis and Louise move
away quickly. Shaun:
Pick. Which one would you like? (Points to Ants) Louise:
Ants. Shaun:
Oh ants! I love ants! Which one? Oh! What the... Louise:
That one... Shaun:
This one here? (Spins all four boxes) All of these here. Francis,
the question please. Francis:
Ooh quick! Ants! Quick! Shaun:
Quickly! Francis:
Alright. Shaun:
(Slow Soprano fan voice:) "Dear Sir..." Francis:
True or false? In ancient Egypt, the ant was often accidentally
crushed underfoot, because it was so tiny and quite difficult to see. Louise:
True. Chime! Shaun and
Francis cheer. Shaun:
True! Francis:
Hooray! Shaun:
Hooray! You're doing very, very well. Got three out of three so
far. That's superb.
Alright, which means it's time to choose your
prize. What do you want? you've got the Ricky Martin CD and the tickets to
- what's the film? - Take Away, or the poodle or the open heart
surgery. French stereotype shows
prizes (except for surgery). Louise:
The... Shaun:
Well hang on... Louise:
...CD. Shaun:
The CD? And not the tickets though, we'll throw them in the bin.
Alright. Fair enough. Louise:
Oh, okay. Yep. Shaun:
You want the tickets as well? Okay. Francis,
we've got one more question, if you will. Francis:
Certainly. Louise, what is the correct caption to this photo? A picture of a young
child holding a carrot while a small horse eats food off a plastic plate
appears. Francis:
A: Head of northerly served as garnish in child's picnic. This caption appears,
before being replaced by the next one. Francis:
B: Table tennis team hopelessly ill equipped for upcoming
tour. Next caption to appear
is C. Francis:
C: Child wants money back for defective Harry Potter wand. "But
mother turned into horse" says manufacturer. Shaun:
Very good. Last caption comes
up. Francis:
D: "Why can't they leave us alone?" plead newlyweds. Back to Leopardy
board. Shaun:
Alright. And to help you make up your mind, Louise, here's some
think music. "Hope" plays briefly.
Shaun bobs in time to the music. Shaun:
Okay. David Campbell there and his touching tribute to the late
great comedian. Do you have an answer for us? A, B, C, or D? Louise:
C. "Tada!"
music. Shaun:
C is the correct answer! Francis:
Hooray! French stereotype comes
over and hands prizes to Francis, who passes them on to Louise. Shaun
comes forward, impersonating a gorilla angrily. Louise leads the poodle
away. Shaun leans in close to the camera. Shaun:
Pete! Tell us things, won't you? Music plays and a
serene Japanese temple by a lake appears. Pete
(voiceover):
That's right, Shaun. I call this one summer:
O funny pony,
My only true friend in life
Tomorrow you're glue.
Back to you, Shaun. Shaun sits on his
desk. Shaun:
Aww. Thankyou. Thankyou very much Pete, master of the haiku. He's
done it again.
Before we go, a few words. The words "GHERKIN",
"GIRAFFE", "CUP", "SPOON" and "DOORMAT" pop up. Shaun:
Keep them in mind and use them in the coming week, if you
could.
Thanks very much to our guests, Dave
O'Neil... Francis and the French
stereotype roll past the camera. Shaun:
... Ricky Martin and Keith Urban.
Next week, our guests include the Dandy Warhols
and... Francis and the French
stereotype come back the other way, pointing to the stage area. Shaun
looks. Shaun:
Yeah, actually, it's... The band is already set
up. Shaun:
... sorry, it's next week. But I'm glad you set up.
(To camera:) It's good, because they won't be
late for next week.
(Checks watch. To band:) Could you wait the
week?
That's alright. That's okay.
(To camera:) 'Scuse me.
Our closing credit roll performer tonight is a
singer of note. Of many notes, in fact, and often in an order pleasant to
the human ear.
Ants can't abide him and frogs don't have much
time for him either, what with their busy social schedule, but we enjoy
him! And fellow singers, particularly castrati, speak of him highly.
With a song in his heart and out of his mouth
and into your ears... Oh my god, please, let me finish now... Mister Marty
Roan. See you in the monkey house, Australia! Marty dances around
with a bunch of she-devils and sings... or as Shaun describes it on the
Bad Eggs DVD cast commentary: "Marty Roan in hell with a bunch of
scantily-clad demons". Marty:
It's a world of danger
Where lovers often become strangers
In a hungry jungle
It (something) keeping out of trouble.
Somehow we seem to make it burn
Oh yeah!
We live so close to the fire
Never a net
Under the wire
Step by step
Higher and higher.
We live so close to the fire
Never regret
The pain of the fire
Step by step
Dancing so close
To the fire
Dancing so close to the fire Chorus
line:
Poke it! Marty:
So close to the fire. Channel Nine logo and
music. Pete
(voiceover):
This is Pete Smith speaking. |
