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Micallef Tonight - Episode
13, Part Three After second ad break: Jazzy music, audience clapping, "MICALLEF TONIGHT"
superimposed.
(Starts humming, picks up receiver and puts a card in front of the
phone. Starts dialing a number, checking the card as he goes. Continues
dialing for around ten seconds. Flips card over and resumes dialing.
Finishes and waits for phone to ring on the other end of the line. After a
long wait:)
Hello? Switchboard? Can I have an outside line please? Thankyou
very much. (Presses a button on the phone.) Okay... (Flips card back over)
Sorry. Great television, isn't it? Hang on a sec. (Dials a much shorter number. Flitters fingers, grins and leans
back to wait) It's ringing. (Leans forward on desk, drumming fingers and
looking bored) Woman
on phone:
Good evening. Channel Nine. Shaun:
(In a nice sweet phone voice:) Yes, hello. I'd like to complain
about Micallef Tonight. Woman:
Certainly. Shaun:
I just was watching, I was pretty appalled; the host was swearing
and I also don't like the way that it runs over and gets in the way of The Sopranos. I don't mind it when
Eddie runs over, but I don't like Micallef running over. Woman:
Thankyou, I'll pass that on. Shaun:
And also, I'm not that keen... Are you writing this down? Woman:
Yes. Shaun:
Okay. I'm not that keen about this segment, where he's ringing up
Channel Nine and complaining, at all. And, now, look, I'll put my wife on
- hang on a sec.
(Shuffles receiver around. In a really screechy voice:)
Yes, I don't like it either! It's very unconvincing; he's doing
sexual stereotype of a woman! I'll put you back onto my husband.
(Shuffles receiver again and returns to smooth phone voice) Thanks very much. Is that okay? Woman:
That'll be fine, thankyou. I'll pass that along. Shaun:
(Laughs) Okay, goodbye. Woman:
Thankyou, goodbye. Shaun
hangs up and puts phone away. Shaun:
Thankyou, Channel Nine! Surprised they answered.
Well, if I could use only one word to introduce my second guest, I
would to have - er, have to have - a very serious chat with my producer,
because I'm all for speeding up the show, so the Sopranos fans don't get all upset
- but that sort of creative limitation is ultimately going to damage the
show, in my view. It's unnecessary and it's easily sidestepped, as I think
I'm demonstrating... and it doesn't do justice to my guest, who requires
at least two words to describe him properly - and in this order: Dave
O'Neil! Funky
music plays as Shaun goes over to greet Dave. Dave puts his hands in a
praying/bowing position, the men hug, then walk to their
seats. Shaun:
Dave. Dave:
(Says something) Shaun:
Dave! Dave:
Yep. Shaun:
Not quite the response of Ricky. Dave:
No, no, no. What a sh... Shaun:
(Gets beer-glass from off the floor and offers the drink to Dave)
Beer? Dave:
Oh, thankyou. Shaun:
That's alright. Dave:
What a show! Keith Urban, Ricky Martin, Dave O'Neil - one for the
ladies, definitely, Shaun. But... Shaun:
(Snorts) That's right!? Dave:
... I've been very busy. Actually, I've been talking to his
(inverted comma fingers) girlfriend out the back... Shaun:
Who's... Dave:
... and... (laughs) Shaun:
Now, now. Dave
keeps laughing. Shaun:
Now, now. Dave:
I asked him if he knew Gav and Woz from The Block, but... er, I
dunno...But, I've been very busy; I've been working on the Dave O'Neil
Foundation all day... Shaun:
Hmm, yes... Dave:
Yeah... Shaun:
(Leans over and sticks finger in Dave's face's general direction
(but closer to the nose's)) It's a little thick, I think, up in the
eye. Dave:
We sell porn on the web, so, yeah, Ricky's tried to close us down
several times, but we keep moving, so... Shaun:
Now, now. Dave, I was about to say "it's a pleasure to have you on"
- I'm just not so sure now... Dave:
Yes... Shaun:
No, it is... Dave:
No... Shaun:
... a delight to have you on... Dave:
Yes, you know. Shaun:
... and you're - of course we all know you as a stand-up
comedian. Dave:
Yeah, sure. Shaun:
... and we know you as a radio personality... Dave:
Sure. I am, yeah. Shaun:
... and a television personality... Dave:
Owh, almost. Shaun:
... - Yeah. - but now you're moving into film... Dave:
Sure, yes, yes. Shaun:
... which is really why you're here today. Dave:
That's right. And I thought my life would change through my move
into film and nothing's really changed. I thought maybe my profile would
go up... Shaun:
Mmm. Dave:
... but I was at like a lawn tennis club the other day, having
dinner with my parents and it was quite a posh affair... Shaun:
Yes. Dave:
... and my brother was asking me if I get recognised now and I
said, "Well... (shrugs in a "yes, I do" way)" and this woman came up, an
old woman. She said, "Oh, excuse me, but are you..." and I went sort of
"Here we go". I go, "Yes, I am". She goes, "Well, can you bring your cab
around to the side?" because she thought I was a taxi driver, basically,
Shaun. Shaun:
Well, that's a sort of recognition. Dave:
Well, I drove her home and made some money. Shaun:
(laughing) Yeah, that's... Dave:
Well, it's a long fare, you know, Geelong... Shaun:
You'd have to have a meter installed. Dave:
... I mean, it took a while! Shaun:
But, the film work you've been doing... Dave:
Yes. Shaun:
... I mean, you've written this film. This is called Take Away, this film. Dave:
Yeah, I co-wrote it with another writer, called Mark O'Toole. Shaun:
Yes. Dave:
It's about fish and chip shops... Shaun:
Yeah. Dave:
... and it's about two fish and chip shops next door to each other
and they compete with each other. And then - if that's not funny enough,
get this - ... 'cause we got half-way and we went, "Aw, that's kind of
over. What happens now?" So a multi... Shaun:
Second act! Dave:
Yeah, the second act, a multinational food chain opens up next door
to them, so they have to combine together to fight the evil empire. It's
like Star Wars with dim
sims. Shaun:
Alright. Dave:
Yeah, it's (smiles contentedly). Shaun:
So, this is an anti-multinational corporation... Dave:
Oh, very much so. And I
noticed on the web it made Coca Cola Movie of the Week, the other day,
so... Shaun:
Oh, is that so? Dave:
Yeah, that's true! Shaun:
That's a strange honour to be bestowed on it. Dave:
But there is a message, but the message is very... We're just going
for laughs, Shaun. Shaun:
Yes... Dave:
You know, there's fart jokes. There's, you know, people vomiting.
There's... Shaun:
That's it, give 'em the sell! Give 'em the sell, Dave! Dave:
It's fantastic. But, yeah, I mean, the message is "Yeah, yeah.
Don't eat multinational food, go for your fish 'n' chips", but, I mean,
that's not exactly healthy. I mean, look, I'm thirty-eight years of fish
'n' chips and I'm very unhealthy. Shaun:
I wouldn't say that at all , Dave. Dave:
Nah. Shaun:
But you're acting in this film as well as having written it? Dave:
Well, a very small part. I play a butcher... Shaun:
Yes. Dave:
... and it's one of my fantasies come true, again.
The part was only put in because of the location - because it
wasn't originally in the script - but we tried to find two fish and chip
shops next door to each other... Shaun:
Right. Dave:
... or two empty shops, we couldn't find it, we found this strip
shopping and there were two empty shops, but with, like, a butcher and
milk bar in between, so we wrote the butcher in. So I became the
butcher. Shaun:
Oh, I see. Alright, so you're just there because of the
geography? Dave:
Yeah, it's a location kind of thing. Shaun:
Right, and how did you... I mean, you're not a butcher, to me...
How did you become a butcher? Dave:
Well, I grew a massive moustache. Shaun:
Mm-hmm. Dave:
I grew like a handlebar kind of thing... Shaun:
Alright. Dave:
... which was fantastic, because it took the focus off my
double-chin.
But my girlfriend hated it, because you look like Chopper Read,
basically... Shaun:
Jesus, Dave! Dave:
What am I doing? Shaun:
(Counts with fingers) Ricky Martin, Chopper Reed... Dave:
(Also counting on fingers) They're stacking up! But, the moustache was great. It was
great for road-rage incidents... Shaun:
Oh, yes! Dave:
Well, I drive a nineteen eighty-five silver Volvo, Shaun... Shaun:
Mm-hmm. Dave:
... and I get no respect on the roads whatsoever, but with one of
those moustaches, you get respect at the lights, I tell you what! Shaun:
Mmm. Did you get any more work, though? You know? Dave:
I tell you what, it did lead to one role. There was a photo of me
in the paper and then I got a job on Stingers. Shaun:
Aha, right! Dave:
Yeah, playing a drug-dealer. Shaun:
Right. Dave:
And so that was a good role... Shaun:
Did you have to audition for the role? Did you just get it on the
basis of the photograph? Dave:
Well, no, no, I had to audition and, see, I got it when I was
working on the film -- a film called Take Away, by the way - and Vince
Colosimo's one of the fish and chip shop owners... Dave:
... - Great actor, and Stephen Curry's the other one - and so I
asked these guys for advice... Shaun:
Mmm, not so good, not so good. Dave:
... - his in film, though - anyway, Vince goes, you know, "Oh mate,
you don't audition mate. You just say 'I'm Dave O'Neil. I want the
part' and that's it."
So I ring up the guy from Stingers. I go, "Yeah, I'm Dave
O'Neil. I want the part.” And the guy goes, "Nah, you've gotta
audition."
So I go back to Vince. I say, "Vince, they want me to audition." He
goes, "Mate, this is what you do: you don't learn your lines. You walk in
there and you say 'I'm Dave O'Neil, I don't know my lines. Give me the part.'"
So I walk in there - he's got an AFI award, I thought, you
know... Shaun:
(laughing) Yes. Dave:
... and a Logie, I think. - and... Shaun:
He's reducing the competition, by the sound of things. Dave:
Yeah. I walked in there and I said, "I don't know my lines. Give me
the part," and the guy goes, "That's fine, you've only got one line," so I
got the part. Shaun:
Alright. Dave:
But, I played a drug-dealer and... Stingers is good for your parents
- my mum and dad love Stingers,
so they got all their friends and people from the tennis club and the
vicar and his wife came over and they set up a special TV in the rumpus
room to watch my big debut on Stingers, but I unfortunately
forgot to mention that I was playing a drug-dealer who died of a cocaine
overdose in a hotel room with a prostitute... Shaun:
Yes. Dave:
... and so you can imagine them all sitting around, nine-thirty.
"Ooh, Stingers is coming up!
Your son's on Stingers!" and I
come on the screen in nothing but a white dressing-gown, nothing on
underneath - picture it if you will - and... okay, I had a g-string on...
and then is my one line. I lie on the bed and the prostitute's, like,
kneeling over me and I go - this is true - I go, "Hey! Nice funbags!
(squeezes with hands) Now churn out on Mister Happy!" (Another gesture,
this time towards nether regions)
Anyway, Mum can't go back to tennis anymore, but the vicar's
invited her over for a spa-party, which is nice. Shaun:
Well, hopefully at the next Logies they'll use that as the Logies
clip. Dave:
It could be, yeah. Shaun:
Yeah. Dave:
Me in Stingers. Shaun:
In Stingers, yes, very
nice. Now, in you quest for authenticity with your film Take Away, that you did,... Dave:
Mmm. Shaun:
... I read that you had a consultant - a fish and chip shop
consultant. Dave:
Yeah, the bloke from my local fish and chip shop that I did a deal
with - I get free potato-cakes for life now - ... Shaun:
Right. Dave:
... he would turn up and actually tell Vince and Stephen how to
cook the fish and chips. But even better than that: Vince and Stephen had
to go and work in his fish and chip shop, so me and Mark O'Toole, the
other writer, would go to him - we'd make sure we went down there when
Vince was working - ... Shaun:
Mm-hmm. Dave:
... and just stand up the back of the shop - and Vince'd be there
sweatin' and, you know, cookin' up the chips - and I'd just go in a quiet
voice, "Hey, isn't that guy from The Secret Life of Us?" And,
"Yeah, didn't he win an AFI award?" and Vince's, you know, sweatin' behind
the counter. But the guy actually said, if Vince seriously got out of
acting, he could be a fish and chip shop owner, 'cause he was very good at
it. Shaun:
Well, that's good. Dave:
Yeah. Whereas... Shaun:
That's good. Dave:
... Stephen wasn't so good. But Vince was excellent,
apparently. Shaun:
Mmm, alright. Excellent. Well, look, I think we've got a
clip... Dave:
Have we?! Dave:
That's right. And the robots are coming... Shaun:
Oh right. Okay. Dave:
... and Arnie's about to save them. Shaun:
Alright, well that's the intro. Let's have a look at the clip. Dave:
Mmm, mmm. Vince
(as fish and chip shop owner) stands in front of a drinks fridge in a fish
'n' chip shop, with a woman - the new employee. Vince:
This is the fridge - or as I like to call it, the drinks fridge.
(Opens fridge) Now, when we refill the drinks fridge, we move the cans
from the back to the front (demonstrates), thus ensuring that the customer
always picks up a cold can. Vince
picks up a can and presses it against the new girl's cheek to show the
coldness. She flinches. Vince:
See? (Puts can back in fridge) I like to call this process "drink
fridge can rotation". (whirls fingers around in circles)
So, can you tell me any benefits of the drink fridge can
rotation? New
girl looks at Vince as though he's an idiot. New
girl:
(Quietly) Pfft. Vince:
Well? New
girl:
(Glances at fridge) No. Vince:
By rotating the drinks, we make sure that the drink is always
fresh... Stephen
Curry can be seen outside, looking through the shop window. The new girl
looks at him. Vince:
... and when the drink is fresh, the customer is happy... Stephen
presses his face against the window. Vince: &nbs |