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	Micallef Tonight - Episode 13 (1st segment before ad) (as transcribed by Mouton) Pete Smith (voiceover):  Micallef Tonight, proudly brought to you by The Sigmalino's Sandwich Bar's "cheese on toast", just two dollars fifty! Ham, tomato, onion; all twenty cents extra. You want drink too?! MT theme tune and titles. Pete Smith (voiceover):  It's Micallef Tonight, with Shaun Micallef; special guests Ricky Martin, comedian Dave O'Neil, country superstar Keith Urban; and the prerecorded musical goodies of the Channel Nine 9. And now, here he is, the presenter of the program: Mister Shaun Micallef! Shaun strolls on stage and presents a small ball. He puts it in his outstretched hand, covers the ball with his fingers, opens his now empty hand and appears to expectorate an identical ball, which he catches, before rushing over to Francis Greenslade on the piano and playing the final three notes of the MT theme tune incorrectly. He walks back to his monologue spot. Shaun Micallef:   Thankyou. (Throws the two balls towards the camera. Looks worried about it for a fraction of a second, then turns back to the audience.) Thankyou very much. Oh yes, thankyou very much indeed. I'm Shaun Micallef. From over in the audience comes: Shaun Micallef (voiceover): No, I'm Shaun Micallef! Shaun Micallef (voiceover): No! I'm Shaun MIcallef! Shaun Micallef (the real one): (Waves to quieten the other Shauns down.) Hey, hey, hey, hey! (To audience). Seen Spartacus... Ah, did you like the magic trick I did at the beggining? Audience:    Yes! Shaun Micallef:   Thankyou, thankyou very much. I'm not fishing for praise or anything, but I like magic, I like giving the audience magic. Would you like to see another magic trick? Audience:    Slowly Yes! Shaun Micallef:   (Looks concerned for a second, wiping brow, then picks up two shiny metal hoops). Well, I just happen to have these here. I should actually tell you the story behind these. My father... ah, it's sort of a real moment. I could come out here and tell jokes, but I think a nice, serious, sad story with no jokes is great for a monologue.    My father took me to the circus when I was six and there was a magician and he was a bit past it, this guy; he was wearing a tattered top hat and tails and his nose was red from drinking. And he was shaking just that little bit too much. Anyway, we booed him off the stage and he left the tent in tears and my father and I felt a bit bad about that, so we went out after the show and found him in his tent, hanging from a beam. And look... no, no, he wasn't dead... but after a couple of minutes he was, and we went through his stuff and I stole this trick from him. I hope you enjoy it. Can I have some music please? Circus-y music plays, Shaun waves the hoops around mystically, taps them together quickly twice, pulls one apart measuredly, slips the other through, snaps the first hoop shut and demonstrates that they're stuck together. The audience cheers very enthusiasticaly. Shaun drops the hoops. Shaun Micallef:   Thankyou! What's that? Alright, I'll do some jokes, I suppose.      Look, some very, very interesting stuff - (Points to audience) I can't believe someone yelled, "more!" - interesting stuff concerning news things all over the planet this week:      Reports from Iraq that Saddam Hussain is moving every couple of hours, which is really rubbing it in to Uday and Couzay, isn't it? Jiggles around. "Look at me! I can move!" You know. Not a thing a father should do.      But good news for Australia regarding international terrorism. We're off the list of likely targets and now on the list as "likely source" of international terrorism. (Looks thoughful.) That certainly makes me feel a lot more comfortable.      Incidentally, I couldn't believe the broadcasting Amrozi's song, the other day on the news. Did you see that? It was just absolutely appalling. Still, Mark Holden liked it, so next week, Amrozi will move on to the second round.      Congratulations to sixties rocker Little Pattie; she's been made Meat and Livestock Australia's ambassador for red meat. Now, I don't want to rain on her parade, but I suspect she only got the gig so they could call her "Little Meat Pattie". Yeah, which is fine, obviously, but they're ignoring the livestock element. Surely, "Little Cow Pattie" covers both. (Long pause as audience "oohs" and groans.) I'll suggest that later.      Employees of Noteprinting Australia, where they make all our banknotes, have gone on strike. Apparantly, they're not making any more money until they start making some more money. Can't afford that logic.      An orthodontist believes breathing problems might be the cause of bedwetting. Personally, I think it's about the amount of urine soaking through your pyjamas onto the bedlinen, but, you know, I'm no scientist.      To Mexico; and the humble Volkswagon Beetle is to roll off the production line for the last time, after workers finally decided to put a couple of bricks behind the back wheel. I think that'll help enourmously.      Ung Sung Su Chi. I played Scrabble the other night, but do you think I could make a single word out of that rack? I certainly could not.      And interest rates set to drop as I announce Francis Greenslade and the Channel Nine 9! "Ta da!" type music. We see Francis leaning against the piano with the Channel Nine 9 behind it. Francis slips and the piano emits a "blung" noise. Shaun Micallef:   Ah, Francis, it's lovely to see you. I'm just curious as to why you're wearing a smoking jacket. You don't smoke, do you? Francis Greenslade:  Ah, no, Shaun; this is a passive-smoking jacket. "Ta da!" Shaun Micallef:   Ah, thankyou very much. Thankyou Francis.      And as well as Francis we'll have comedian, writer, actor, radio jock, fish impersonator - that last one's a lie - Mister Dave O'Neil will be on the show tonight!    Waves arms around mystically.      Country music superstar, the pride of both Nashville and Cabulcha, Queensland, Mister Keith Urban.      Does "The Robot".      I'll be getting on my High Horse!      Big, exaggerated "wow"! type expression, with seal-like arm movements.      And to chat, and sing - a double threat - for the first time on Australian television this week, pop sensation, Mister Ricky Martin!     Throwing action.      Thankyou, but first up we have a bit of a treat. We love showcasing new talent here on Micallef Tonight - Francis got his start on this show and look at him now - Francis waves as he appears on screen. Shaun Micallef:   No, no, no, it's just a figure of speech; don't look at him. Back to Shaun. Shaun Micallef:   So it's, as always, my great pleasure to introduce another newcomer. Julie Everett is just twenty-three. Our talent coordinator discovered her recently in Brisbane, where, by the way, she works as an accountant with a small suburban firm; she's never appeared on telavs... ta... mungnihaiphoneenee... thankyou very much. Can we start the show? Ah, she's never appeared on television before, so please give a big, warm welcome to Julie Everett! Shaun steps back and the curtains open. "We're The Kids of America" plays. A young woman sits at a desk, working hard, punching numbers into a calculator. Shaun sits at his desk, looking disappointed. Shaun Micallef:   Thanks very much Julie. Ahm, don't you do a thing... Julie... sorry... Julie looks up from her work and smiles sweetly. Julie:     Hullo. Shaun Micallef:   Hello. Don't you do an act with a motorcycle and a wall of death? Julie:     Yes, yes, I do that. Shaun Micallef:   Confused looking. Right. Julie:     Oh, that's just a hobby. Waves at surrounding papers. This is my true love. Shaun Micallef:   I see. Well, we'll be having a lot less of Julie during the rest of the show. Thankyou, Julie. Um... okay. Bangs desk and shakes head from side to side, like an angry walrus.      Ah ha haah! Reaches over and grabs a post-it note. Prepared material! Reads note and looks up.      John Howard turned sixty-four last week, as we know; we wished him well, last week; but Mick Jagger had a birhtday last week as well - he turned sixty. Now have a look at them here... Two pictures, one of John and the other of MIck, pop up. Shaun Micallef:   When you consider there's only four years between them, you can really only draw one conclusion, can't you: "Say 'yes' to drugs". Back to Shaun, who nods to someone offstage. Shaun Micallef:   I agree. Phone rings. Shaun Micallef:   'Scuse me. To phone. Hello? Oh, right! Okay... To audience. 'Scuse me. To phone. Eh? Where is he? He's in the corridor, is he? Okay. No, no, no, no, that's alright. No, I'll meet him there. Hang on... Okay, bye... No, no, no, you hang up first. Giggles. Okay, bye bye. Okay, yeah. Hangs up. Arsehole.      Stands up and sidles away from desk. Alright, I've just gotta do a thing. Picks up a "This is Your Life" book. Look, I'll meet you in the corridor, okay? 'Scuse me. Opens a door, which he walks through and closes behind him. Backstage corridor. A "Silent: On Air" sign flashes as a man walks up the corridor. Shaun walks out in front of him. The other man is Red Symons. Shaun Micallef:   Hi, where is he? Red brushes past Shaun, who calls him back. Shaun Micallef:   Ooh, Red, Red! Hello Red, hello Red. Shakes his hand, then holds book up slightly. Red Symons... Red Symons:   Yes, stating the obvious. Looks off down the corridor, bored then starts inspecting his nails. Shaun Micallef:   ...rock musician... Red Symons:   Mmm. Shaun Micallef:   ...radio and T.V. personality... Red Symons:   Yep. Shaun Micallef:   Holds up book: "This is Your Life Since Last Thursday" ...this is your life since last Thursday! Close up of Red's head with superimposed "This is Your Life Since Last Thursday. Triumphant music plays. Shaun Micallef:   With open book. Red, you were down on This Is Your Life, last Thursday... Red Symons:   Still bored. Yep. Shaun Micallef:   Reads from book. ...since then you've filled your car up with petrol and gone shopping for a drill at the local hardware store. Pauses to look at book again. That's pretty much it. Red Symons:   Yes. Gets out a pen. Shaun Micallef:   Red Symons, this is your life since last Thursday. Hands over the book. Red Symons:   I'll fill in the other bits. Walks off. Shaun Micallef:   Turns to camera proffessionaly. Back to you Shaun. Cut to Shaun, sitting at his desk. Shaun Micallef:   Yes, thankyou very much indeed. Fidgets awkwardly as audience laughs. Live show.      Did you... I don't know if you read in the paper the story about the Spittle Bug? Anyone read about the Spittle Bug? Silence. Shaun Micallef:   Great! This joke's gonna work very well. If you didn't read it, I think we have it here... If you could quickly swot up on the topic of the joke, if you will. Article pops up briefly: "It's one giant leap for a bug". Shaun Micallef:   Apparantly it has been discovered that an insect called the "frog-hopper", or the "spittle bug", which is about six milimetres long, Shows size with fingers. yet it can jump seventy centimetres high! Yes, I can tell... Audience:    Oooh. Shaun Micallef:   Well, I can tell you're impressed. Mumbles croakily. Thankyou, thankyou very much.      Now, just to put that in perspective, if the bug was the size of... An insect and a vertical line appear, labelled "Spittle Bug" and "70 cm" respectively. Shaun Micallef:   ...say, Olympic pole-vaulter Tatiana Gregoriava... "70 cm" line shrinks and Spittle Bug turns into Tatiana before growing significantly larger. Shaun Micallef:   ... then she would be able to leap over the Eiffel Tower... Tatiana shrinks and the line turns into a large Eiffel Tower. Shaun Micallef:   ... Interestingly enough, if Tatiana was the size of the Eiffel Tower... Tatiana turns into an identical copy of the other Eiffel Tower. Shaun Micallef:   ... she'd be able to leap over one-hundred Empire State Buildings... The Tatiana-Eiffel shrinks and the other is replaced by the bottom part of a stack of Empire State Buildings balanced precariously on top of each other. Shaun Micallef:   ... of course, stacking them like that would be an engineering nightmare, better to lay them out alongside each other. A long row of Empire State Buildings replaces the stack. Shaun Micallef:   However, long-jump isn't Tatiana's speciality, so to clear them, you'd need Eveil Kenivil... Tatiana-Eiffel turns into a small jumpsuited figure holding a motorcycle helmet. Shaun Micallef:   ... riding a giant motorbike... Giant motorbike drives up and "Eveil" hops onto it, standing in the seat. Shaun Micallef:   ... the size of the Great Pyramid... Bike turns into a pyramid with Eveil atop it. Shaun Micallef:   ... Of course, Eveil himself would have to be the size of the Colossus of Rose to ride it... We now see the Colossus astride the pyramid, towering over lots of minature Empire State Buildings. Shaun Micallef:   ... but it'd certainly be an exciting spectacle, although he'd have to be traveling at the speed of light to make it over the ramp, so you wouldn't actually see any of it. Interestingly enough though... Colossus/pyramid/Empire State Building conglomerate disappears. Shaun Micallef:   ... if the Empire State Buildings were a bit smaller, say... Colossus and pyramid reappear, with the Empire State Buildings replaced by lots of little Tatianas. Shaun Micallef:   ...  the size of the pre-Eiffel Tower Tatiana, then it would be easier for him.      Speaking of "easy"... Statue and pyramid jump over Tatianas, before the whole picture disappears and we again see Shaun sitting at his desk. Shaun Micallef:   ... if the fifty or so women from Seven's Who Wants To Be A Princess? were layed end to end... Picture of a bunch of glamourous girls. Shaun Micallef:   ... I wouldn't be the least bit surprised. Back to Shaun. Shaun Micallef:   Alright. Picks up a glass of water during applause, which slows down until he waves the audience on and has a sip. Puts down glass as audience continues to clap and cheer. Oh please! My hand in shot?      I don't know if I mentioned it on the show in the last couple of weeks, but I'd injured my knee. Clutches knee briefly. Did I happen to? Did I mention that? Audience:    Yes. Shaun Micallef:   Yeah, it's still pretty painfull. I don't want to make a big deal about it... I had to have an arthroscopy. And it's amazing what they can do these days. They stick a tiny camera inside yer knee; and I asked for the tape because, you know, I like to keep a record of all my work, and it looks good on a show reel; and I was just astonished with the technology. They turned the camera on before the operation and if you listen, you can actually pick up part of the surgeon's briefing as well. Just have a look at this. Static. Five people stand next to a hospital bed containing a body covered in a sheet, watching a giant screen. On screen is "the surgeon". Surgeon:    Gentlemen. It's a bucket-handle tear of the medial meniscus. Shot of people wearing (mostly) daggy, skintight orange clothing and dark sunnies and holding weapons; and foot end of hospital bed. Left to right the people are Pete, Francis, Robyn, Jason and a gorilla-suited person. Back to "surgeon". Surgeon:    Normally he'd be out for the rest of the season, but we all know we're not dealing with a normal man here. People nod. Surgeon:    The operation is simple. You will all be minaturised and injected into the bloodstream of Mr Micallef... Pan across nodding heads. Surgeon:    ... Next you will travel to the knee, where you will use your laser beams to remove the damaged cartilage. Close up of "surgeon" on giant screen. Surgeon:    Good luck. Larkins out... Pause. ... for two matches. Screen flickers off. Close up of Francis. Francis Greenslade:  Okay, have we all got our minaturising pills? All nod. Francis Greenslade:  Let's rock! All take a pill each before taking a swig of water. Fuzzy sound effects as they shrink. Graphic: "LATER". Our heroes are inside the body, with glugging body parts in the background and even more gluggy sound effects. The five walk around cautiously. Francis:    Okay, I'll go 'round the back of the knee and surprise it. Robyn, you cover me. Robyn:    With a tarpaulin? Francis:    Yes. Jason, you distract the cartilage by... Jason, why aren't you wearing the gorilla suit? You know Shaun likes it. Jason:    Oh, Livinia wanted a go. Livinia-gorilla nods. Pete:     I never get to be the gorilla! Francis:    Oh, for God's sake, people! Does it matter who's in the gorilla suit or not? We're talking about a man's discomfort here! Now, let's stick to the plan. Robyn:    Synchronise watches. All lift up their arm and look at watch. Francis:    Jay Farrin Price. Robyn:    Cartier. Jason:    Fake Rolex. Pete:     Casio. Graphic: "LATER STILL". Gorilla, Francis and Jason stand around. The latter two wave their lasers around. Zoom in on Francis. Francis:    Let's kick this mother-freakin' cartilage to judgement day! Francis and Jason load weapons. A scream is heard offstage. Close-up Robyn. Robyn:    AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Pete is hacking away at a white block with a pick. Francis and Jason try to stop him, holding him at gunpoint. Robyn:    He's destroyed the kneecap! Without it we'll never find our way back! Francis:    What the hell do you think you're doing, Smith?! Pete:     Seventy years, I've been in this business. I got rid of Kennedy, Lane, Newton, Singley, Molloy, all of 'em! Why should Micallef be any different?! Oh the pain, the pain! Returns to destroying "kneecap". Francis:    Smith! Graphic: knee x-rays with "THE END" superimposed. Close up of sleeping Shaun at desk. Zoom out and the rest of the gang can be seen. Shaun:    Shaking in sleep. What!? Mmmph! Pardon... Oh, oh, oh my god, what a terrible dream! I dreamed we were going to the break on a terrible sketch. (Turns to others.) You were there too, Robyn, and you Pete, Jason, Livinia... Francis, you were there too. (Chuckles.) Robyn:    Taps Shaun on the shoulder. What you need is a commercial break. Shaun:    Why, I think you're right, Robyn. And we'll be back with Ricky Martin, right after... But to take us to that break, a spittle bug attempts to jump a record-breaking seventy-one centimetres. Sign: "Spittle Bug Record Attempt". Whistle blows, drumroll, "scientist" with a clipboard looks down at ground next to a high-jump bar and watches "spittle bug" jump, bar falls off and "scientist" moves closer to the bar and shrugs. As audience "aww"s and superimposed MT logo appears, he looks at the sole of his shoe and grimaces, then tries to look innocent. Ad break.