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	Micallef Tonight - Episode 11, Part I (as transcribed by Mouton) MT tune and opening titles. Pete (voiceover): It's Micallef Tonight, with your host Shaun Micallef; special guests Todd Woodbridge, Seann William Scott, Michael McKean, Placebo; classical pianist Simon Tedeschi; plus Dave Graney and Clare Moore and the Bad Eggs Orchestra. And here he is, the presenter of the show, Shaun Micallef! Audience clap and cheer. Shaun comes on slowly with crutches and sits on a stool. The last three notes of the MT theme tune are played by a man, Simon Tedeschi, sitting next to Francis at the piano. Shaun hands his crutches to someone. Shaun:   Thankyou. Excellent. Thankyou. Thankyou very much.    Piano virtuoso, Simon Tedeschi, ladies and gentlemen. Simon bows. Shaun:   Excellent, Simon, excellent.    I thought I was good, but he puts me to shame. Well done. Sadly, that's the extent of Simon's contribution tonight.    Now, I suppose a lot of you are thinking, "Gee, Shaun's entrance was a bit lackluster tonight. He usually comes up with something a bit more interesting than that. Typical! I'll never watch him again."    Well, you know, fair enough, I s'pose. But it's not a gag. I have actually torn a cartilage in my knee. So how do you feel now?    Yeah, I don't want... (to audience:) Thankyou... (to camera:) I don't want to embarrass you (points to camera) in front of all these good people here (indicates audience), but I did it recording a sketch to make you laugh.    I'm in a lot of pain, sure, but I'm showfolk; and I believe Micallef Tonight should go on, whether I'm capable of giving a decent performance or not. It's nothing to do with ego; it's because I love you.    I don't want to make a big deal about it, obviously, but could we cut to the MRI of my knee? Lots of pictures of bones and things in injured knee appear. Shaun:   There we go. As you can see there, it's a bucket-handle tear of the medial cartilage and it's caught under the mechanism of the knee, causing blinding pain upon movement and... Well, even if you don't care (points to camera) these good people do! (Turns to audience) Audience:  GET ON WITH IT! Shaun:   Right. Of course. (Turns back to face camera)    A lot of news this week. The papers have been full of it, as have I.    I don't know if you read that the big record companies are concerned about the pirating of new music. It's true. It's very true. In fact, someone in the office offered to burn a Dannii Minogue CD for me the other day. It's very kind of them, obviously, but I'm a bit old-fashioned about these things and I had them bury it for me instead.    Pauline Hanson is on trial in Brisbane, so I guess if they like her they'll keep her. Audience giggles for a while. Shaun:   (Clutches leg) Arghh! My knee...    Federal police have seized one hundred kilograms of heroin, worth two hundred million dollars, so it's great that none of that is going to end up on the street. (Looks extremely doubtful).    Doctors say Rene Rivkin shouldn't be driving his Mercedes convertible sports car after brain surgery - he shouldn't be driving after penis-enlargement surgery.    Cathy Freeman continues to deny her retirement has anything to do with new boyfriend Joel Edgeton - or as I like to call him, the Yoko Ono of Australian athletics. Yeah, thanks a lot Joel.    It's a lovely story, though. Cathy and Joel first met at the Logies, last year, where Joel missed out on Best Actor, but picked up fastest woman instead.    Simon Crean says Cathy Freeman could have a future in politics - which is one point of difference between them - although I fail to see what qualities Cathy's got that would make her suitable for politics; she's fit, smart and popular. Three strikes and you're out, I would have thought.    We got a good show - great show, in fact - lined up for you tonight. Hollywood star of the American Pie movies and Dude Where's My Car, Todd Woodbridge is here. (Swirls arms around, then smiles)    Tennis champion and winner of seventy-six doubles, Seann William Scott, joins us. (Looks confused and mouths "what?")    The star of This Is Spinal Tap and now A Mighty Wind, Michael McKean is here. (Nods a lot) Yes!    And we have music from Placebo. (More arm swirling -s'pose the leg can't swirl, what with its pain and all. Makes a shape of an invisible something, bites the top of it and throws it away)    We've had Simon Tedeschi, we've got Livinia Nixon still to come, I get up on my high horse... (looks like a stunned polar bear) I don't know how, but I'll manage somehow... and of course, a man and a band as fixed in the Micallef Tonight firmament as the North Star. The ever-reliable, ever dependant... Oh! Sorry!... Francis Greenslade and the Channel Nine Nine! "Tada" music. Francis:  Unfortunately, Shaun, no! Shaun:   What!? Francis:  No. Sadly, the band and myself couldn't be here tonight, because we forgot, so in our place: Dave Graney, Clare Moore and the Bad Eggs orchestra! "Tada" music. The Bad Eggs musical mob can be seen. Dave salutes. Shaun:   Thankyou, thankyou. Thankyou very much. Thankyou, Dave and Clare. We'll be hearing from Dave and Clare about what they're up to a little later on in the show.    Okay. Now, our opening act tonight is a duo who have been... Well, at least - let me put it this way - a duo, who between them have one hundred and forty-two years of show business experience. That's pretty impressive for two people, less so for twenty and downright amateurish for, say, two hundred and eighty-four people - six months each, let's face it.    Darryl and Harriet Spunken were a staple in the Tivoli circuit, back in the nineteen-fifties, when they performed as The Fabulous Flying Blades. They broke up when Harriet discovered Darryl was having an affair with a chorus girl.    Darryl and Harriet divorced and they went their separate ways. Darryl, in fact, married the young lady and they were very happy together - Harriet less so, obviously. She lived alone for many years, quite depressed, and I think needed some sort of psychiatric treatment... I don't want to go into that... But anyway,  Harriet didn't speak to Darryl for over thirty-five years. It was very sad.    But time heals all wounds, as they say, and The Fabulous Flying Blades are back together and touring and join us tonight with their famous Death-Defying Knife Act! Circus-y music, curtains open. A wheel with a body outline, surrounded by balloons. An old lady flourishes and smiles cheerfully. Next to her is an old man slumped on a table, with a knife in his back. Shaun sits at his desk with the crutches leaning against it. He quickly moves them, they slip and clatter onto the floor. Shaun:   Well, if variety isn't dead, then Darryl certainly is.    Excellent. Anyway... And a big thankyou: We should thank Simon Tedeschi for playing those last three notes in the opening music. I don't think I've ever heard them played as brilliantly. Thankyou, Simon. Simon:   Thankyou. Shaun:   Simon, just wondering, would you like to take part in a new segment that we've got planned? Simon:   What segment? Shaun:   It's... That's a good question. Good question. I'll just check. (Checks paper on desk) Look, it's a new segment we're trying out. It's called Stump the Classical Pianist. Would you mind? I mean, as you're here... Simon:   What choice do I have? Shaun:   None at all, I wouldn't've thought; you signed that contract just a bit too quickly.    Alright, cue jingle and graphic! Jingle: "Stump the cla-a-a-a-a-sical pianist" in a classical music style. Graphic: A tree stump next to "Stump the Classical Pianist" in swirly letters. Shaun is about to take a sip of water, but he puts the glass back down when the jingle stops. Shaun:   Aw, I was hoping I could have a drink.    Now, the object of this game is that members of our studio audience try and stump Simon by suggesting a piece of music for him to play. If he gets stumped, then the audience member wins. It's a pretty simple concept.    The only downside is that you folks at home will be seeing our studio audience and they really are quite horrible. You know, that Channel Nine audience look. You know? (Twangs a non-existent banjo) Daow naow naow daow daow naow daow...Not quite as bad as the hillbillies you'll see on The Footy Show, but, you know. They're knocking on the door! You get my meaning? Anyway, I can't talk, 'cause they're here.    Livinia Nixon joins us live from the audience. Are you there, Livinia? Livinia in the audience. "LIVE FROM THE AUDIENCE" superimposed. Long-ish pause. Livinia:  Yes I am, Shaun. Shaun:   What? Have we got a satellite delay, have we? Livinia:  No, no, no, no; just thinking of something to say. Shaun:   Alright. Okay. Now, do you have the first audience member to try and stump Mr. Tedeschi? Livinia:  Yes, I do. Shaun:   Excellent. Livinia:  I've rustled up Steven. He has a piece of music he thinks Simon won't be able to play. What is it? (Aims microphone at audience member) Steven:   What about Clair de Lune by Debussy? Livinia:  Clair de Lune by Debussy please, Simon. Simon plays a bit of it. Livinia:  The kid's good. Shaun:   Is that it? Livinia:  Yairs, that's it. Shaun:   Oh, okay. Livinia:  Well done Well done, Simon. Well done. Now, I've picked out Louise... I actually personally know every single person's name in the audience, it's not a set-up. Louise, what piece of music do you think will stump Simon? Louise:   How 'bout the first movement of Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata? Livinia:  First movement please, Simon. Simon nails it. Shaun:   Close enough. Livinia:  Very nice. One more! Shaun:   Alright. Livinia:  (Turns to man next to her) Sir, do you think you can stump Simon? Bloke in audience (presumably someone intriguing, judging by Shaun's response): Yes. I would like him to play... Shaun:   (Laughs) Oh wait a minute... Spot the actor! Bloke in audience: ... The Chicken Dance. (Smiles smugly) Livinia:  The Chicken Dance, please! Simon starts playing, rather uncertainly. The Chicken Dance sounds a little out of place. He pauses a couple of times during the tune to think, but manages to get the first half of it alright. Livinia:  Yay! Shaun:   Yes! Well, excellent. Alright, Pete, what were the scores? Pete up in the sound booth. Pete:   (Reads from paper) Tedeschi: three, Audience: nothing. Back to Shaun. Shaun:   Alright. Now, I think Livinia has a prize for you, Simon. Livinia at the piano with Simon. Livinia:  Yes, Shaun, we do. It's a two-hour tram ticket, Simon. Unfortunately, it was validated one hour and fifty-nine minutes ago, so if you want to use it, best be hurrying. Livinia gives the ticket to Simon, who rushes off. Shaun:   Please thank Simon Tedeschi! And Livinia Nixon, of course. Thankyou, Livinia.    Now,  I suppose most of you have heard about the bitter legal wrangle between the Diana Princess of Wales Memorial Fund and Franklin Mint. Everybody? (Puts on voice and ventriloquises (if that's not a word, it is now):) Yes, Shaun. I have heard that. Article, "Doll imbroglio may cut Diana's legacy to sons". Shaun:   Excellent. Well there it is there, in fact. Quickly read that. Alright. Now apparently, Princess Diana's estate doesn't want Franklin Mint using Diana's image and a particular concern is what I think is a very tasteful figurine of the princess... Tasteful figurine of the princess stands on a blank background. Shaun (voiceover): ... which we can see here. Some people in the audience laugh. Shaun (voiceover): There's nothing wrong with that. It's not a laugh! It is actually what they're selling. And I think it's very nice and a nice memory of the princess.    It's just that the Diana memorial found feel they could earn more money - for their charities - with their own figurine, which is this one here... An identical figurine appears next to the first. They are labelled: "FRANKLIN MINT" and "PRINCESS DIANA MEMORIAL FUND". Shaun (voiceover): ...which is reasonably similar - I think you'll see - except that it comes with some really cool extras:... One princess figurine stands alone. A "Utility belt" appears. Shaun (voiceover): ... a utility belt... Knife appears in doll's hand. Shaun (voiceover): ... jungle knife, space hen... Chook figurine stands next to doll. Shaun (voiceover): ... cowboy hat, radio sunglasses... Both appear on doll's head. Shaun (voiceover): ... aqualung, ski-mask... The doll is outfitted in these too. Shaun (voiceover): ... atomic shovel... Nothing else appears. Shaun (voiceover): ... - Atomic shovel there? ... Shovel pops up. Shaun (voiceover): ... There it is there, excellent - ... Fire extinguisher replaces aqualung. Shaun (voiceover): ... fire extinguisher, anti-gravity boots... Boots pop on feet. Shaun (voiceover): ... miniature robot falcon... Falcon lands on doll's shoulder. Shaun (voiceover): ... pet dolphin "Squeaker"... Dolphin surfaces in bottom right corner. Shaun (voiceover): ... and Wind Car... Big flying thing with huge fan zooms in. Doll's head suddenly flies off. Shaun (voiceover): ... plus special ejector-head action... A Lego Harry Potter head takes the place of the old head. Shaun (voiceover): ... with optional Harry Potter attachment.    Alright. Back to Shaun at desk. Shaun:   Now, that's only a few bucks more, but it's worth it - plus you're helping the charities.    Now that's great obviously, but the really good thing about the Franklin Mint one (Picks up doll) is that it's a transformer. (Fiddles around with a doll) It transforms into the... hang on. (Struggles with doll) Hang on, just a sec. (Laughs and changes position to make doll-change easier. Doll is below desk as Shaun wrestles with it.) It transforms... (Look of relief on Shaun's face as he brings up a toy dinosaur and plonks it on desk) - There we go! - into a... Shaun is drowned out by applause. Shaun:   Please, you haven't heard the punchline yet. It transforms into a Dianaosaur! "Ta da!" music. Shaun takes dinosaur off desk. Shaun:   Anyway, I think it's very respectful of her image.    Well, who could ever forget Cathy's Freeman's dash for gold at the Sydney Olympics? Show of hands? No-one. Alright. It was the race that stopped a nation - all except Cathy herself, obviously. Stopping with the rest of us and standing there watching herself, while her fellow competitors sprint past would've been, frankly, ridiculous and I'm glad she didn't do it.    Anyway, tonight we had hoped to present our tribute to Cathy Freeman who - as many of you would know from one of the monologue jokes tonight - announced her retirement last week. Unfortunately, because she's contracted to Channel Seven and because Seven hold all the rights to footage from the Olympics, our tribute isn't perhaps as impressive as we'd hoped - but I think it sums up the feelings that we all have for our Cathy, at this, the end of an era. The national anthem plays. Francis stands in a carpark, holding an Olympic torch and wearing a white and green skintight suit like Cathy's running clothes. The camera sways a lot. Shaun sits to attention, saluting. Shaun:   God bless you, Cathy.    Sorry I couldn't stand during the anthem, but I have a really bad knee.    Alright! Coming up after the break, Todd Woodbridge and Seann William Scott! And to play us to the break, Dave Graney, Clare Moore and the Bad Eggs Orchestra! The orchestra play the Bad Eggs theme. "MICALLEF TONIGHT" gets superimposed at the end. Ad break.