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	Micallef Tonight - One third of episode 10 (as transcribed by Mouton, thanks Mout!!) Opening credits Pete Smith:  It's Micallef Tonight with Shaun Micallef. Special guests: Tony Martin, Mick Molloy, Judith Lucy, Bob Franklin, Amity Dry, Blair McDonough and the musical stylings of the Channel 9 Nine. And now, here's the presenter of the show, Shaun Micallef! Shaun Micallef rides in on a bicycle and brakes hard, narrowly avoiding handlebaral injury. Shaun Micallef:  Thankyou. (to bike) Stay. Stay. Stay. (to audience) Thankyou very much. Thankyou very much indeed. Oi. (turns to Francis Greenslade) Ah... nudity? Intending to nude up Francis? Francis Greenslade: Yep, later on. Shaun Micallef:  Good, look forward to that. Um... just one more question before we start: Oh my, what's... what's that... display? Shaun indicates pyramid of lollies. Francis Greenslade: This? Shaun Micallef:  Yes. What's that? Francis Greenslade: Oh, this is a project I've been working on in honour of today... Shaun Micallef:  Yes. Francis Greenslade: ...very special day, as we all know. I wanted to make it all out of blackcurrant, but you only get, you know, two or three in a packet. It was getting a bit expensive, so - Shaun Micallef:  Francis, it's (emphasis on "B") Bastille Day today. (to audience) Sorry. Hello, I'm Shaun Micallef. Light pattering of applause. Shaun Micallef:  (to Francis) See you've ruined... you've ruined the mood, Francis. (to audience) Francis Greenslade, everybody! Enthusiastic cheering. Shaun makes a face. Shaun Micallef:  Did you.hear that  a Qantas 737 was grounded last week because a rat had eaten through the wiring? Notice he didn't touch the food? Wish they'd offer me a nice plate of wiring when I fly with them.   Anyway,  he was on board for quite some time and Qantas eventually found him and murdered him. Humanely. Tthe sad thing is that the rat had just accumulated enough Frequent Flyer Points to go Business Class to Fiji. So that's a sad side of that.   It's an interesting week also for marginalised sexuality. I'm sure you're thinking the same thing yourself.   The Uniting Church is considering whether to allow practising homosexuals into the priesthood. Now, I'm not so sure. I think once they stop practising and start doing it for real, then they should get in. More interesting that way.  And the Victorian  Police Admissions Board are thinking about transsexuals..... which is fine, but they really should get back to work, I think. Sydney Airport plans to slash forty percent of its staff. God, it's not bad enough when some nut does it to them on a flight, now the employer has to join them as well. Come on... yeah, you're with me on that one.  The Federal Government is going to dump nuclear waste at Woomera. Now, radiating asylum-seekers might seem harsh, but it'll give them a half-life, which is more than they've got now. Still on a political theme: Federal Tourism Minister, Joe Hockey, has branded Sydney "tired" and "complacent", but a spokesperson for the Tourism New South Wales has hit back, saying, (mumbles) "Yeah, whatever, you know." A proposed actor's strike could affect shows such as "Home and Away" and "Neighbours".....though I can't possibly see how.   A great show lined up for you tonight. Blair McDonough, from "Neighbours", joins us. Oh, I hope he wasn't listening to that last joke. Can we cut to him in the green room? Blair McDonough nods slowly, not particularly amused. Shaun Micallef:  Yeah. Yes that... er... that should be an interesting chat. Er... Blair. We cross live via satellite to the premiere of Tony Martin's new movie, "Bad Eggs". And we'll chat with Judith Lucy, Mick Molloy, Bob Franklin and Tony himself. Hohoo yes! "Tony Himself", he calls himself that. Amity Dry from "The Block" as opposed to Jenny from the block will be here to sing live her song "The Lighthouse". Oh yes. Livina Nixon's here, Pete Smith is here, Brian Nankervis is... ah... just over there, just out of frame, but he is here. Ah, who else is here? (indicates audience) Ah, that guy's here. Ah, the woman next to him is... is here and... ah... and... ah... that man over there with the glasses is here. I think we've covered everybody. We've got a pretty full show. Have I forgotten any... everyone... anyone? Anyone I've forgot. Francis looks upset. (*webmaster's note...AWWWWWW, Francis!! :-)  ) Shaun Micallef:  ... oww. Oh I beg your pardon. And... and he will, yes... Francis Greenslade and the Channel 9 Nine! Francis Greenslade: Hello Shaun! Shaun Micallef:  Hello! Francis Greenslade: Hello everyone out there in TV Land! Oh! Oh! I can see myself on the monitor! Hello! I'm on TV! Shaun Micallef:  Yes. What a professional. Any... ah... any change in the line-up tonight, Greenie? Francis Greenslade: Sadly, yes, Shaun. Louis Armstrong is out with St. Vitus' Dance... Shaun Micallef:  Yes? Francis Greenslade: ...and in his place, on recorder: an identikit combination of Val Kilmer, Leanne Rymes and Saddam Hussain! Shaun Micallef:  Okay. Very nice. All right. Ah, nice to have 'em here. All right... well, Midnight Oil may have split up, but a good musician is hard to keep down. Just ask those cannibals who ate John Denver. He's... very gassy, apparently. Audience groans. Shaun Micallef:  Oh, right, some John Denver fans here tonight? Get out, I don't want you here. Peter Garrett, Bones Hillman, the rest of them may have gone their separate ways, but Rob Hirst has not. He's remained joined together, connected and committed to the instrument he's made his name hitting. He's launching a solo career now, is about to embark on a tour and like an amputee can-can girl, is kicking off the first leg tonight.  With his own composition, "Butterflies and Laughter", Mister Rob Hirst! Rob Hirst plays a rousing drum solo. Shaun Micallef:  Excellent! Well done Rob. Thank you very much. Thank you Rob. Thank you.  Rob's double CD  (produces CD cover) "Hi-hat, How Are You?" is on sale. Four hours of drum solos, uninterrupted but for the sound of the police arriving at Rob's home studio two or three times. And you'll find that in the remainder bins of all good record shops.     And also, incidentally Rob's new book... (holds up book)  "Willie's Bar and Grill" which is  the real thing, not something we cotted up in the props department, this one. And you'll find that proudly on the shelves of bookshelves everywhere. Two hundred and thirty-five pages of dynamite chronicling Midnight Oil's last few tours of the U.S. and typeset in twelve-sixteen point Granjon, which is. a very popular font. Rob Hirst:   That's a good font. Shaun Micallef:  I congratulate you on your choice, Rob. Rob Hirst:   Thankyou. Good font. Shaun Micallef:  Now tell me Rob, can you hear me over there? Rob Hirst:   Got you Shaun. Shaun Micallef:  Excellent, all right, ah, good. We're crossing live to Rob over there... ah... in the st... in the stage area. Ah... Rob... ah... what's... what's harder... ah... ah... you know, writing a book or... or typing it up? Rob Hirst:   Ah... I've got a... I've got a very... ah... drumming style on the typewriter, Shaun. Shaun Micallef:  Have you? All right... Rob Hirst:   Yeah. Shaun Micallef:   ... so, it's a pretty fast one, this one? Rob Hirst:   Well, it's... ah... yeah it's kind of paradiddles, followed by triplets and... but only two fingers. Shaun Micallef:  Okay, well you see, that's a... that's a sort of skill that I think most writers would... ah... that's treating this like a serious question, which is very sad. ########## well for the rest of the show at all.     Ah... you know I gotta s... I gotta tell you... I was telling you before how... ah... you know, I'd seen you when I was at university and... and... ah... you were performing with Midnight Oil and one of... one of my favourite songs is... ah... the "U.S. Forces". Ah... I just wonder if you can just give us a taste of the... er... the drumming you would've done for that? Rob Hirst:   Ah, yeah. Um... well, the middle section we're... um... I think we were wearing boiler suits. Remember the film clip? Ah... w... Shaun Micallef:  Yes, yes I remember it well. Rob Hirst:   Yeah, it was filmed up... um... at one of those power stations near Newcastle... Shaun Micallef:  Mm-hmm. Rob Hirst:   ... New South Wales. And the middle section's very difficult, 'cause you've gotta kind of cross over... Shaun Micallef:  Yeah, get on with it... Rob Hirst:   Yeah... Shaun Micallef:  ... I don't wanna hear all this. Rob Hirst:   Right. Shaun Micallef:  Okay. Rob Hirst:   Nmm... Rob plays the drums with vigour. Rob Hirst:   Etcetera, etcetera. Shaun Micallef:  That... that's... ah... That was very good. And that made the song for me. That made the song for me. That's... er... that's the spine of the song, isn't it, the drumming? Rob Hirst:   Ah... I think so. Yeah, yeah... Shaun Micallef:  Yeah, yeah. I... you know, you don't need those guys and never have. Exactly. Rob shrugs and waves at the empty space around him. Rob Hirst:   They... they keep leaving. Shaun Micallef:  You know... Rob Hirst:   ... Shaun Micallef:  Now Rob, are... are you going to hang with me? You gonna... you gonna help us? 'Cause... ah... our... our demographic loves percussion. So... ah... you gonna be playing in the breaks? Rob Hirst:   Yes, yes. Shaun Micallef:  Good. Excellent. All right, thank you very much indeed.     Now... ah... the show. Oh, sorry, nearly forgot it.     Um... Chopper Reed... ah... Chopper Read is holding an exhibition of his paintings. I guess he's thinking that... Newspaper article with a picture of Chopper surrounded by paintings. Shaun Micallef:  Er... as you can see there, it's true... and I guess... er... Chopper's thinking... ah... you know, if Van Gough was that good after losing only one ear, then.. ah... he should be brilliant. And.. and I'm sure he is. I'm.. I'm sure he is. Chopper, I'm sure it's excellent work. Please... please don't kill me!     All right... um. Right, okay.     Well, it's... it's around this time of the year that all eyes and the heads containing them turn to France for one of the world's greatest sporting events. Let's have a look now at who's leading in the final day of the Exercise Bike Tour de France: Bunch of cyclists pedalling on exercise bikes at the side of the road. Shaun Micallef:  Yeah. Yes, it'll be interesting to see if they can maintain that pace.     Okay... ah... Shaun picks up a card from his desk, reads it and laughs. Suddenly he goes serious again. Shaun Micallef:  Can't do that one.     Ah, have you ever wondered what happens to those... (addresses audience) Who likes "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire"? Silence. Shaun Micallef:  Be honest. More silence. Shaun Micallef:  (pointing and counting aloud) One, two... everybody. That's good. That's good. Ohhohoo. (to camera) You probably couldn't hear them at home, but they were just screaming.     Ah... I love... I love "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire", ah... I... I do. And... ah.. I can't get enough of it. Ah... even tonight... ah... when it... when it ran over... ah... by about... twenty minutes.     Ah... I still wanted more. You know, I wanted Eddie to go on a- at least another three quarters of an hour, so we could... we could start after ten-thirty. That would... that woulda... that would've been great. But no, we... ah... we start a little earlier, at the... ah... "magic hour" of... ah... nine forty-eight.     Um... have you ever wondered - aside from all that, I know they had a little bit of...er... scandal and.. ah... they're... they're making amends, which is good to hear - but my concern is... I'm just wondering if you've ever wondered, like me, what ever happens to those eight or so contestants who don't make it onto "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" each week, they get passed over then you never see them again. Well, I did a bit of investigating and I found out exactly what happens to them. (picks up a Nutella jar and places it on desk)     That's right. Nutella. Don't believe me? Have a lo-... (turns jar around) have a look at the ingredients on the back there.     See? "Contains hazelnuts, skim milk, unconst- unreconstituted 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' contestants and cocoa". Eah. Bet you never noticed that before. (in a voice that sounds a lot like Tony Martin imitating himself as a child imitating James Bond) Nutella is people. (leans back dramatically as green light flashes on him) Peeepollll! (sits back up disappointedly)     No one here seen Soylant Green? Oh, alright. It's a great film. I... ah... I recommend you pop down the video shop, it's probably in the... eh... probably in the three dollar bin... per week.     Ah... quick, ah... think... Phone rings. Shaun picks it up and covers the receiver. Shaun Micallef:  'Sc- 'scuse me just one moment. (to phone) Hello? ... Oh yeah, alright, alright. They'll laugh at that one. I'll do...I'll do that one. (hangs up phone)     (John Howard voice) #############(don't ask me how to spell all the "h-, h-" noises he does) I like squirrels! Okay. Excellent.     Alright, now another warning, I suppose... ah... this is a warning, you know, s- sort of show we do, there's lots of warnings and consumer advice. Do be very, very, very careful of the latest in the BBC talking book series. I have it here. (picks up cassette?) Ah... many have been recalled, because the reader has... has been shrieking the books, instead of just reading them at normal volume. Here's an excerpt from... er... Jane Austin's... ah... Northanger Abbey, shrieked by Dame Judi Dench. Shaun makes various facial-contortions whilst this is shrieked: Recording:   No-one who had seen Katherine Moorland in her infancy would've supposed her born to be a heroine. Her situation in life, the character of her father and mother, her own person and disposition were all equally against her.     She had a thin, awkward figure, sallow skin without colour, dark black hair and strong features.     She was fond of ######## and greatly preferred cricket, not merely to dolls, but to the more heroic enjoyments of infancy; nursing a dormouse, feeding a canary-bird or watering a rosebush. Shaun Micallef:  Alright, think that's probably enough. Ah... I dunno, I actually kinda liked it. (to audience) Do you agree with me? Audience:   Yes. Shaun Micallef:  Alright, well, you know, that's okay. That's... ah... more people than enjoyed "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" tonight.     Ah... look... ah... I... there's still a lot of controversy around... ah... the banned film "Ken Park". Our censors still believe we wouldn't be able to cope with it. Well, I disagree. I... I've seen a copy - on DVD - of the film and just like Margaret Pommerantz, but a little taller, obviously, and, er... and, er... you know, no Vulcan ears... ah... I'm... I'm going to show it to you now, because I believe we're mature enough to make up our own minds... Film plays. A man pulls up in a car beside a park. Shaun Micallef:  Right, now there's Ken... ah, James... and ah... there's th-... there's the park and I can't see anything terribly confronting about that, can you ladies and gentlemen? It's just ridiculous isn't it? Pan across park. Shaun Micallef:  When you... Nude couple on a rug. Shaun Micallef:  God, n-... Cut back to Shaun. Shaun Micallef:  Hey, hey, hey, hey! Family show. Freakin' out.. oh, what's with you people? Disgust me.     Ah, when... ah... please, no, I was only joking, you can applaud if you wish. Shaun waits expectantly, to be rewarded with a only few unenthusiastic claps. Shaun Micallef:  Gee, later.     When Channel 9 asked me to do this show, I said I'd only do it under one condition. And they said, "What is it?" and I said, "Oh, right," so, you know, I had to make one up.     And I... I came up with ah... show-casing new talent: ah... Toothless Joe Haystack and his He-Haw Jug-band, boy... ah... boy... boy-group Zolift(?), Billy Bates comedy Mule Act(?) all got their start on this show and tonight, to take us to the break, are a formidable for-... Phone rings. Shaun Micallef:  'Scuse me... (answers phone) Hello? ... Yea-.. oh, sorry. (hangs up) Frenchman ##############     ... a (French pronunciation) formidable (back to normal) display of non-formation marching. Non-formation marching. The Forth District ######### (my spelling is hopeless... I won't attempt to type that one) Freeform Marching Regiment. We'll be right back with Blair McDonough and Amity Dry and the cast of "Bad Eggs" after this display of freeform marching! Marching band come on playing music and wandering around the set. One salutes to Shaun, who salutes back and we go to an ad break. AD BREAK AD BREAK AD BREAK AD BREAK AD BREAK AD BREAK AD BREAK AD BREAK Francis Greenslade plays the piano and sings sweetly. Francis Greenslade: Loving You,     Is more than just a dream come true.     Everything that I do,     Is out of loving you.     La-la-la-la-la,     La-la-la-la-la,     La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la,     Doot-n-doo-do-do-doooo     (screachingly) Ahlaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh! Shaun Micallef:  Oh, sorry about that. Um...     Bamboozled by the enormous range of products for sale in supermarkets? Camera nods up and down violently. Shaun Micallef:  You obviously feel strongly about it. Then you need to have a look at Livinia Nixon's "Consumer Power... Tips". Logo appears with dramatic booming noise in the background. Pete Smith:   Consumer Power... Tips. Livinia Nixon walks along an aisle in a supermarket, talking to the camera. Livinia Nixon:  We all lead busy lives, that's for sure. Livinia gives a dirty look and strides off. The logo and "boom"s come back again. Pete Smith:   Consumer Power... Tips. Back to Shaun. Shaun Micallef:  Excellent. Girl's right, as always.     Um.. well, my first guest is a man - need I go on? Yes probably, it's a bit short on info, isn't it? In fact, I'll start again. Embarrassing pause. Shaun Micallef:  Hi. My next... ah... my first guest, I should say, is a man who has been appearing in our living-rooms regularly for the last three years and we really should... er... take out a restraining order. Fair enough when he's on television... Which he... er.. often is these days in "Neighbours" and before that, that combination peep-show/psychology experiment they called "Big Brother".     Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Mister Blair McDonough! Blair comes on to "MT" theme tune. Shaun Micallef:  Alright, Blair, how do you do? Is that chair comfortable for you? Blair McDonough:  ... Yes, very well thank you. Shaun Micallef:  'Cause I know, you know, you had... er... you know, a bit of an accident on the weekend. Ha, ha! We do our research... Blair McDonough:  Yes. Shaun Micallef:  ... and I don't want to go into details, but it... it involves your... ah... what shall we say? Blair McDonough:  My snow-skiing... Shaun Micallef:  Well, "arse" is what I meant to be saying. But I don't... I don't, you know, go into details, but do tell us exactly what happened and don't leave anything out. Blair McDonough:  It's not as bad as it sounds, I promise.     No, ah... yes, went snow-skiing on the weekend and... ah... if anyone's out there for a donation left bum cheek, mine is so bruised, I really need one. It's killing me I st... Shaun Micallef:  Alright. Well, Channel 9 is the... is the organ transplant network, so I'm sure we'll have people donating a buttock for you.     Ah... now have you been watching, ah... "Big Brother"? Blair McDonough:  Yeah, I have actually. Um, I g... Shaun Micallef:  I find it astonishing that you w... that you would want to after... er... Blair McDonough:  Well after... after... auw, dare I say, "my one", I wasn't that interested in the second one and... ah... it was a bit... arrgh, I just felt too close to it and it was too soon afterwards, but the third one I really got into.     I was quite interested in how it was made. I never got to see the control-room in full action. I never got to see behind the scenes with people actually in the house, which was something I really wanted to do, so I went up on the first weekend and... Shaun Micallef:  Oh, right. Blair McDonough:  ... had a look around and ah... got... got to- together with "Big Brother" and really showed me how it was all made... and after that I lost a bit of interest. But, no, it's coming back now, but I thought... yeah. Shaun Micallef:  D'you, d'you get a... d'you get a life pass or something? Are you allowed to... ah... are you... Blair McDonough:  Oh, yeah. It's.. you're a life-member once you're on... Shaun Micallef:  Oh, right, right. Blair McDonough:  ... yeah, you can always go back whenever you like. Shaun Micallef:  So when you're seventy or something you can still be traipsing around going, "Oh yes..." Blair McDonough:  (old person voice) "Now do you remember I was on that first one?" Shaun Micallef:  The first one's a bit... 's a bit, you know, it... the first one had a bit of innocence about it, I reckon. I'm not sure whether... Blair McDonough:  Oh, it had the secret ingredient, which was the unknown, which made it so popular, I guess... Shaun Micallef:  Yeah, yeah. Blair McDonough:  ... but after that it... it's one of those things. It can work sometimes and it's just... they go week by week. They don't plan too far ahead and that's what... that's what makes it interesting. Shaun Micallef:  When you watch it now - you said you're watching the third series - when you watch it now do you see, "Oh no, you're gonna fall into that trap"? Blair McDonough:  I... I do actually, yeah. I met, um... I met Saxon the other day, who's one of the guys who's been released recently, and... ah... Shaun Micallef:  Sounds like prison! Blair McDonough:  It i-... it does, it's quite sad. But no, he's... um... he's a really nice guy. He's a really nice, ah... good guy and on the show I got a bit frustrated watching him crying his eyes out, having a bit of a whinge and I thought, "Nah, fair enough". I know what it's like in there and after you meet him and have a chat to him it's kind of like, "Okay".     You do lose concept of what it's like in there when you're out and you lose concept of what it's like outside when you're inside. Shaun Micallef:  Yairs. Blair McDonough:  So it's... yeah, it's a good mixture. Shaun Micallef:  What about... what about the other side of it, the... er... can you see... can you see them manipulating it? Can you see people going, "I think I'll press this button."? Blair McDonough:  One... one thing that really annoys me is how they go, "Oh, that's how I was portrayed."     Um, yes and no, that does happen to an extent, but there's got to be a consistency there. If you're that person they're going to show that person and... um... yes, things inside the house are something you can never comprehend  unless you've been in there, but apart from that, you know, it's... it's a very strange process and... ah... Would you give it a go if you got the chance? Shaun Micallef:  Me? Oh, I dunno, I... I don't think I'd qualify for a celebrity version of it and I'm not sure that I... I'm not sure that I... Blair McDonough:  Oh, you're getting there Shaun. Shaun Micallef:  Do you think so? Blair McDonough:  Oh, definitely. Shaun Micallef:  Well maybe, in a few years, if they hold another one I can... I can... I'd be quite happy to do it. Blair McDonough:  With Adriana ######### (I couldn't hear that bit, and being the stupid, yet considerate person that I am, I couldn't work it out and won't try to any more in case I get it wrong and offend someone), especially. Shaun Micallef:  Well, if she'd... would she be around in a couple of years? She was a bit unsteady on her pins, wasn't she? Oh, I'm sure... I'm sure... no, Adriana, if you're watching... ah... I'm... I'm sure... I'm sure you'll... you'll... you'll live another two years. Ah... Blair McDonough:  (whisper to Shaun) Sorry. Shaun Micallef:  That's alright. Ah... the... er... the... er... um... I wondered about your-... yourself, because when you were on the... on the show, on "Big Brother", you announced... or at least, you in conversation said that you really wanted to be on "Neighbours"... you know, this was a-... Blair McDonough:  Yeah, it was a bit of a... bit of a joke between Ben and I, we... ah... we kind of... ah... let's put it simply: we like the ladies... Shaun Micallef:  Oh, so... Blair McDonough:  ... we enjoyed Flick - ah... Holly Valance - on "Neighbours" quite a lot and we spoke about it. Just, that was our way of passing time. And... um... it was purely more than a joke and obviously it got taken very seriously... Shaun Micallef:  Well, it did. I mean, if it was a joke you'd sort of... yeah, so'd ya feel obliged? "Oh ah...". You couldn't say that it was a joke at the end when they said, "Oh, we'd like to offer you a contract."? You said "Oh yair, o... yeah, okay. Yep."? Blair McDonough:  "Well let me think ... Okay, yeah, sure. Cool. Why not?" Yeah. And it ended up I ended up getting engaged to her on the show and... what a joke that can be. So the next thing I wanted to do was... um... you know, I- I'm really in love with Elle McPherson. Um... and if she's ever on the show... Shaun Micallef:  Alright... Blair McDonough:  ... I can get engaged to her. Shaun Micallef:  ... look, I only think that works once. I just don't wanna... Blair McDonough:  Nah, I've used up my ticket. Shaun Micallef:  You... you... you were offered a... like a... like a probationary contract, weren't you? It was three months... Blair McDonough:  Yeah. Yeah, it was a three month trial kind of thing... they're... it was like, "We'll give this..." ... Well, I had to audition for the sport, it wasn't a given, as simple as that... Shaun Micallef:  Sure. Sure. Blair McDonough:  ... leet me make that clear... and yeah, no, they... they said, "Look we've... here's your three months." So, yeah... Shaun Micallef:  Did ya... did you feel like you were under the same sort of pressure again? 'Cause you really had to, sort of... obviously impress or have the viewers like you to remain there. Blair McDonough: