Free Legal Advice from Welcher & Welcher

(Written by Michael Ward and Shaun Micallef)

March 6 2003

To Whom It May Concern,

Subject: So You've Want to Address a Judge?

Addressing a judge is very much like addressing an envelope. First, hold the judge down flat on the table (he'll probably be squirming a bit, so you might need help from a big-armed friend) and write the address on him legibly in ink. Remember to blot him and also write your return address on his rear. Affix a stamp on his top right corner; probably over his eye which is conveniently pre-moistened and then drop him into a nearby pillar box. Some judges are quite fat so you might need your big-armed friend to help you again. Alternatively I would recommend some sort of miniaturisation ray.

TROUBLESHOOTING

The judge will not lie flat on the table.
His Honour may be suffering from a spinal deformity or is simply overly tetchy. Either way, impress upon him your need for a level surface.

The judge has no eyes
Moisten the stamp with your tongue. Do not affix the stamp to an empty eye socket, rather, stick it on the judge's forehead. If the judge also lacks a forehead, it is probably best to select another judge.

The judge will not blot
Choose a more hydrated judge.

My big-armed friend is judgeaphobic.
Judges, what with their funny wig, flowing robes and gavel-banging propensity, can intimidate the best of us. However, judgeaphobia* - a morbid fear of judges - is something else altogether. If your big-armed friend is indeed a judgeaphobe, there is little you can do except take him (your friend, not the judge) into a small room and sing to him until his terror passes.

* Do not confuse this particular phobia with Judgeaphobia (note capital 'J'), which is a morbid fear of American actor Judge Rheinhold.

I only have a 45c stamp and I read recently that stamps have risen in price - for the first time in many years, mind you, so one really can't complain - to 50c. What can I do?
You must either buy a 5c stamp to supplement your existing 45c stamp, or travel back in time in a time machine to an era when stamps cost 45c.

My VCR will not turn off on
Tried plugging it in, idiot?

HOW WE CAN HELP

Welcher & Welcher can help you address most judges. Our offices include a range of flat surfaces for laying out your judge, quality ink pens and a choice of stamps ('Famous Australian Game Show Hosts', 'Ken Done's Woomera', 'Ants'). For a small fee we can direct you to a nearby pillar box.

(From www.abc.net.au/welcher)