Free Legal Advice from Welcher & Welcher

(Written by Michael Ward and Shaun Micallef)

March 27 2003

To Whom It May Concern,

Subject: So You Want to Mount Your Own Supreme Court Action?

I wouldn't even bother trying this; it's very complicated and requires the use of a B-notch pin and some raw plugs. Leave it to the professionals, I say.

At Welcher & Welcher we are those professionals. We have studied very hard at Law School and at great cost to our parents and know all manner of legal type things. And if it so happens that none of us studied the area of law you need some help in (like Simony or Replevin, for example) then that's where our excellent research skills kick in. A quick intra-office e-mail to our librarian and she'll be off her arse and into the tomes faster than you can say 'Jesus, they sent me an account already'. She's pretty good too.

The Dewey Decimal system holds no mystery for this little shiksa. Admiral Dewey certainly has a lot to answer for. How he managed to become the hero of Manila that he undeniably is and invent an exceptionally convenient method for cataloguing books is beyond me. The man's a genius. I barely have time to tie my own shoelaces in the morning. I'm running for the bus with a coffee in one hand and an unread brief in the other, covered in stains - already late no doubt for a court appearance - no trousers on probably, oh it's a complete disaster most of the time. I weep a lot.

There's stuff everywhere in my office; piles of unanswered correspondence, letters of demand from leasing agencies, pools of urine - I only went into this profession to please my parents. My secret fantasy is to be able to fly. Free as an archaeopteryx, except capable of flight. Soaring high across the trees and mountains, cawing loudly. THAT'S THE LIFE FOR ME. None of this sitting about at a desk caper. What did they eat I wonder, archyoptri? Some sort of prehistoric seed I guess. I bet it was yummy.

Please note that until further notice Mr Cohen will be away on stress leave.

SOME DO'S AND DON'T'S

Do

• De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da - The Police
• Do That To Me one More Time - The Captain and Tennille
• Do It Again - The Beach Boys
• You Can Do Magic - America
• I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do - Abba

Don't's

• Don't Stand So Close To Me - The Police
• Don't Stop - Fleetwood Mac
• Love Don't Live Here Anymore - Rose Royce
• You Don't Understand - The House of Love
• We Don't Talk Anymore - Cliff Richard

Not Sure

• I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself - Burt Bacharach

HOW WE CAN HELP

We have a number of dubbed cassette tapes available for sale in our office featuring the above songs. The tape makes a terrific gift for anyone who has chosen to mount their own supreme court action.

(From www.abc.net.au/welcher)