SHAUN MICALLEF'S ONLINE WORLD AROUND HIM                                    Back         Home
	The Micallef diary Author: SHAUN MICALLEF Date: 15/02/2001 Words: 400 Publication: The Age Section: Green Guide Page: 3 December 2, 1999 - I am at home leafing through my scrapbook when I receive a phone call from a man claiming to be a senior executive at the ABC in Sydney. He tells me how much everyone there has enjoyed the second series of The Micallef Programme and that the wheels are in motion for the commissioning of a third. He recounts his favorite sketch, one that didn't feature me, wasn't particularly funny, and in any case was in the first series. I don't let on and, as I have not eaten in a week, accept his vague invitation to come to Sydney and lunch with him. I assume details such time, date, and venue will be sorted out later. I never hear from him again. April 23, 2000 - I receive a fax advising me that there will definitely be a new series providing that "certain commissioning process guidelines are met". No start date or on-air times are given and the fax is unsigned, but I am encouraged enough to set to work with the others and begin writing the program. June 3, 2000 - Still no official confirmation that the series is on or not. I ring Brian John's old telephone number in the hope of contacting someone. A terrified voice answers, whispers something about Brian being "de-activated", and then warns me never to call again. Just before the phone goes dead I swear I hear what sounds like a door being kicked in and screaming. I try the number again several times later that afternoon but on each occasion reach a chicken shop. July 10, 2000 - I decide to visit with the Commissioning Editor of Comedy in Melbourne and see whether he can tell me anything. Security at the front desk is tighter than I remember it last year. The guard is armed. When I ask if the Commissioning Editor is in he presses a small button on his consol and asks me to stand in a "waiting cubicle". Three hours later a cheerful but harried man in a suit greets me. He tells me that the Commissioning Editor can't see me today as "something" has happened to him. When I press him for more details he becomes very nervous and points out what he claims to be a Picasso hanging on the wall behind me. I turn to look. There is no Picasso there, or indeed anything by any of the cubists. While my head is turned, the man runs away. It was merely a ruse. I return home to find my home ransacked and a message on my answering machine to stop asking "certain questions". September 13, 2000 - Jonathon Shier rings me. It's a wrong number. He apologises and hangs up. September 20, 2000 - We have finished writing the series but still don't know whether any of the material will be shot. The cast have been rehearsing in my living room for the last two months. I have been paying them in produce from my garden. For the last week I have been pretending to film them using a cereal box with a tin can sticky-taped on to it. This fools most of the actors but the cinematographer is getting suspicious. When the director asks for the gate to be checked and a Weetie falls out, there is a blazing row. The D.O.P. storms off. The woman doing autocue bursts into tears. Francis Greenslade, my star and friend for over 20 years, incites the rest of the cast and crew to burn down my house. I plead with them, explaining as best I can about "the guidelines" but they won't listen. My line producer takes me quietly to one side and beats me unconscious with a sculling oar. From hospital I ring and leave a message with the production company we use (they also make Australia's Funniest Endoscopies) telling them that unless I hear back from them within 24 hours the deal is off. November 7, 2000 - The senior vice president of the production company visits me at my parent's place, where I am now living. He is ushered into the garage by my mother, a fierce woman in sensible shoes and a shock of red hair, the shock being that it was in the form of a beard. After a few introductory remarks wherein he compliments the gunny sack I've been sleeping on and the nine-foot pencil my sister used in a dance routine when she was eight, he explains that he has just had word from the ABC that the series is to go ahead. His face erupts into a hideous rictus and he hands me a raw fish. It takes me a couple of moments to realise he is in fact smiling and shaking my hand. With a promise that he'll be in touch and that the company is squarely behind me, he leaves, pausing only to give me the account for his air ticket and bill for four nights accommodation at resort hotel in Bali. December 12, 2000 - Finally we are in at the ABC. A hole was discovered in a back fence and most of the leaner members of the team were able to squeeze through. The rest of us arrived through the freight yard as unsolicited mail. We find an abandoned studio and begin filming. Things go very well for about five minutes until motion detectors set off alarms and security arrive. They have no record of The Micallef Pogram being booked in and we are asked to leave or face "de-activation". Wayne Hope tries to reason with them, explaining that we won a Logie last year. The guard tells him that this "does not compute" and kills him. This is quite a blow to us as Wayne, a valued member of the ensemble cast, was our lift home. We are taken by force from the building, put in a van and driven into the sea. December 24, 2000 - It being Christmas Eve I decide to approach Senator Richard Alston himself and appeal to his better nature or, failing that, beg for a new series. Dressed as Marley's ghost I climb in through his window in the dead of night. Roz Hammond accompanies me and does a good job impersonating the ghosts of Christmas past, present and future but probably goes a bit to far when she throws in her Ruth Buzee impression. In spite of this, Alston sees the error of his ways and agrees to commission a new series of our show, providing we meet "certain conditions". Elated, I agree without hearing any more. Unfortunately, the conditions are that we make the new show in one week, for no money, and starring his wife. Still, it turned out pretty good all things considered.