Dear Francis' Knee,
Do you really know everything?
- Connie Lingus

Hello Connie,
Do I know everything? Yes… and no. Some years ago I became caught up in the ritual of finding yourself a Guru and spent my life savings on a plane ticket to Japan where I planned to find myself one (a Guru, not a plane ticket). I arrived on the sub-continent and set off through the country side. Within fifteen minutes I had been robbed and beaten by a group or rogue lepers, one of whom tried to keep me to replace his missing leg. I escaped across the border to Denmark and worked in a winery for several years. Château de Vaux was a charming home and the beaches were beautiful but I was lonely and drunk most of the time. I stowed myself away in the undercarriage of a Boeing 727 but fell out as it flew over the Red Sea. I was rescued by pirates who chloroformed me. I awoke 4 months later at the end of the Glenelg Pier with the name 'Nicolas' tattooed on my thigh.

So in answer to your question Connie, I used to know everything. However, my Guru tells me that in a previous life I was an Encyclopedia salesman, so this may be incorrect.

Fantastically yours,
Francis' Knee

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Dear Francis' Knee,
What's your favourite band?
- Brittany

Hi Brittany,
Curiously enough, my favourite band is an anagram of my name. Have a guess and email me your answers - they'll be a prize in it for the winner!

Suspiciously yours,
Francis' Knee

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Dear Francis' Knee,
Hi talking knee, how tall is Shaun Micallef? He is very cool and I want to know his Height, to see if I am as tall as him. Thanks.
- Korben

Dear Korben,
Hello, how are you, I am fine thanks. You ask how tall Shaun is and frankly that is a very personal question. Month after month I am forced to answer questions about Shaun! Where does he live? What street number is it? Can I borrow your crow bar? Do you know the combination to his safe in the basement? Can I borrow some plastic explosive? I mean really people! Can't you see that I don't deal in explosives and small arms!

Although speaking of small arms - Shaun has some. He stands less than a metre tall and only appears tall due to several mirrors escorted by a troop of midgets. As they say television can add fifty pounds and about 80cm.

Yours until I am questioned by the police,
Francis' Knee.
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