Name - Tamara
Question - How many subliminal ads have appeared across The Micallef Program's three seasons? Did you feature in any?

Dear Tamara,
Why yes, thank you for asking, I did in fact appear in several subliminal ads. However, the subliminal ads I appeared in were subliminal ads within the subliminal ads, so no one would have seen them.

Shame,
Francis’ Knee

Name - Matt
Question - Why has Shaun agreed to work for the Monster radio network aka DMG, Vega? His gags are to me more visual. Is he.... A) Desperate for some work as the Australian Film Corp haven't enough to pay him? Or B) He's really taking the piss out of radio by agreeing to become apart of the brainwash known as commercial radio? I really hope you can answer my questions which have been puzzling me!!

Hello Matt,
A good question indeed, as I am sure many others like you have been wondering this very question. The truth be this: Shaun is dead.

Shaun passed on several months ago but his funeral was kept quite low key. In fact, his death was so low key that all those present were under the impression that he was just keeping a straight face as part of a joke about the ABC he had just made. Two days later, we realised that he was dead. His creditors were quite upset by this news and in a bid to keep the Micallef Empire alive, secured him a place on the Vega Breakfast show, where he would never have to be seen. A recording of Shaun’s voice is now piped through the air waves five days a week, with Denise and Beverley chirping in after they’ve hit the pause button.

For those of you who don’t believe me, do you wonder why one of the segments contains Beatles songs played backwards? I think you’ll find that this alludes to another celebrity of Shaun’s caliber who was “rumoured” to be dead. In fact, if you play the English Have-a-go sketch backwards you can distinctly hear Wayne Hope saying “Shaun is dead – I killed him with this fish”.

I hope this has cleared things up for you.
Cheers,
Francis’ Knee

Name - Kristy
Question - Why do I have 3 tonsils on my breasts?

Dear Kristy,
As a medical graduate, I can honestly say that I have come across cases like yours on a regular basis. I suggest you get your dentist to give you a mammogram as soon as possible.

Medically Yours,
Francis’ Knee

Name - Mr. Blooper
Question - Hi Francis' Knee. What do you want for Christmas? (Presuming you are not Jewish, in which case I should ask what you would like for Haunnuka, but because I didn't do that first and made a presumption about your personal beliefs, I may have already offended you with my insensitivity and imperialist assumptions, and then you would be less likely to answer my question, which I was only asking so I would know what to get you, but I really don't even see the point now since you are all pissed off at me, so nevermind).

Dear Mr. Blooper,

Yes, that was quite rude of you to make personal enquires about my religious beliefs. I am an atheist, if you must know, but I’d love a Michael Buble CD, if you’re stuck for ideas.

Festively yours,
Francis' Knee