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Francis' Knee
March 2005
Dear
Francis' Knee,
Don't you think the letter I is a bit pretentious. Seeing as though it
always comes before E except after C, what happened to E through H to make
them so inferior as to only be accepted by I as equals after the letter C?
For that fact where is the letter D in all of this, it might have strong
opinions about the other letters of the alphabet that are not being
discussed?
-Miller
Dear
Miller,
It was Mark Twain who once said: 'Get the hell off my front lawn!' and
really, who could blame him. His words speak volumes but where would
we be without letters? Ah, letter! The alphabet! The basis of our
language!
It is a little known fact that in 1553, King Willy Wheaties of the
House of Tudor re-wrote the English alphabet an amazing feat for a
man who could barely ask for more potatoes at dinner let alone address
his kingdom. He was only King of Britain for three and a half days
after which he was asked which crown he would prefer to wear to dinner
and died trying to say "the big one". During his brief reign he
insisted that the letter I always come before E, except after C, D and
F. He also reduced the alphabet by ten letters, changed two of them to
snorting sounds and insisted on spelling his name with a symbol and
asked to be referred to as 'The King formally known as (Cuhooorgh)
(TtttChuttt)' the letter W being one of the ones changed to a snort.
After his death Queen Mary reinstated all the old letters and
grammatical placing, except for the 'I before E' rule which she kept
in place to annoy the royal sign writers, who were eventually beheaded
for misspelling her name on the side of a cart.
Grammatically Yours,
Francis' Knee
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Dear
Francis' Knee,
Since you are a knee, what part of you would be broken if you went
to a loan shark and failed to pay him?
-Inquisitive Dave (formally curious Dave)
Dear
Inquisitive Dave,
This question brings back many sad memories to an old knee like
myself. It is not often that I tell this story, but for you I will
make an exception.
I
first fell in love back in the days of Full Frontal. The cast were
shooting an amusing sketch that featured several characters that
had
reached their used by date many months earlier and required the
entire
cast to wear shorts; board shorts to be precise. I first noticed
Glenn
Butcher's knee eying me from across the studio. We had conversed
on
various occasions but had never progressed past the Melbourne
weather.
It was then that I noticed Shaun's knee coyly smiling at me from
behind camera three. It was love at first sight.
Over the next few months we could be caught flirting with each
other
in the make-up chairs; sharing drinks in the Channel Seven
cafeteria;
showing off on the high diving platform at the municipal pool.
I decided to pop the big question to Shaun's knee. Although, the
allowance that Francis gave me for appearing below him a
measly 10%
of his income ($3.20 annually) hardly allowed me to splurge so I
went
to see the local Loan Shark. I was informed that the Shark had
gone
into receivership and that the Loan Wobbegong had taken over the
business. He lent me $10,000.
That afternoon, after a short trip to the jewellers, I met Shaun's
knee at the studio. Before I could open my mouth, Francis opened
his
and said: "Shaun I'm leaving Full Frontal." Before I had
time to
react, Francis whisked me away in his Volvo. I didn't see Shaun's
knee
again for several years. We may have met unknowingly, but Francis
wore
trackie-dacks for most of 1996 and I suffered in the darkness.
So, Inquisitive Dave, I tell you this the only part of me that
was
broken after that visit to the Loan Wobbegong was my heart.
When I did see Shaun's knee again, I was to learn that he had
eloped
with Sigrid Thornton's knee after meeting on the set of Seachange.
Heartbrokenly,
Francis' Knee
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Dear
Francis' Knee,
Why is my toilet made out of porcelain as apposed to plastic or wood?
-Gatto
Well
Gatto, I'm glad you have asked because this question comes up a
lot in plumbing circles. The question why are they not made out of
rubber or crystal is also raised quite often. The word porcelain or
Por-slan is Hungarian for curry seat. Several quick thinking Hungarian
peasants stole a curry recipe from a passing Tibetan Spice Salesman.
In 1673-1685 the Hungarians used to ship thousands of these pre-cooked
curries through trade routes to neighbouring countries where the
residents would often suffer from gastro problems for several days
after feasting on the unfamiliar food. The Hungarians picked up on
this and began exporting Por-slans along with their curries. This
story is often disputed by historians stating that Hungary is in fact
a landlocked country a fact which is yet to be proven.
Best wishes for the future!
Francis' Knee
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Dear
Francis' Knee,
What is the definition of "quality"?
-Pat Harris
According to Webster's Dictionary:
"An inherent or distinguishing characteristic; a property."
Speaking of property, my sister-in-law is planning to sell her 3 acre
block of land near Coffs Harbour. It comes with a beautiful view of an
oversized fruit, an authentic quagmire and rising damp in the master
bedroom. She is planning to sell quite quickly as Russell Crowe lives
next door and his band rehearses very close to the property line.
Offers starting at $15,000 will be considered and taken.
Sincerely,
Francis' Knee
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D
ear Francis' Knee,
I am looking for white wicker strapping to repair legs
on my wicker furniture.
-Cathy
Hello
Cathy! I hate to tell you but white wicker strapping is quite
hard to come by these days. Other colours like puce, magenta, buff and
lilac are more common. These are usually only sold by hardware stores
that are owned and operated by elderly men who still refuse to stock
power tools in the belief that electricity is a passing fad. Your best
bet is to give Marty's a call. Marty's is a quaint little illegal
fireworks factory in Fortitude Valley. They are usually open on
Saturday mornings and are quite friendly. Though the appearance may be
a little off putting (Marty's mother guards the front desk in her
underwear) the staff is really quite helpful. If you pretend to buy
some illegal fireworks then casually say aside 'and some wicker
strapping please' you will most certainly be taken out to the back
room and shown their extensive range of mission brown strapping. It is
sold by weight with a minimum purchase of 12kg. Although this rule is
only enforced if Marty's mother produces a shotgun.
Happy Shopping!
Francis' Knee
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Dear Francis' Knee,
What have you done with Francis?
-Curious David
Curious David indeed! If you persist to ask such accusing
questions, I
will have a restraining order put upon you! I don't know how such a
short six-word question could enrage me so much! To accuse ME of
detaching myself from Mr. Greenslade is quite offensive. I never cut
the brakes in his Volvo! Don't you dare suggest that I did! Francis'
passing has caused great pain to all who were close to him. I myself
was quite attached to the man. His legacy (legacy, get it?) will live
on however I have successfully auditioned to play the role of the
father in the next series of Pig's Breakfast.
The show must go on!
Sincerely,
Francis' Knee
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Dear
Francis' Knee,
Do you have leprosy?
-John
Dear
John,
Actually no, I never did get the chance to pick up a copy of Def Leppard's
"Leprosy", though I do have "Pyromania" and
"Hysteria". I was not too thrilled with "Animalize"
and that is when I felt the Leppard magic was starting to fade. That, and
Joe Elliot just didn't appear too suave in those spandex pants anymore. I
am sure his poor knees agreed as they gasped for air.
In any case, I have ceased purchasing their albums, and these days I tend
to favour the calming sounds of Queensryche.
Rock
on,
Francis Knee
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Dear Francis' Knee
Do you have genitalia???
-Claudete
Dear Claudete,
It's actually the only Yes album I own.
Progressively,
Francis' Knee
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