Ask
Francis' Knee
July 2005
Dear
Francis' Knee,
When you killed Francis where did you bury the rest of his body? I wanna
go grave digging.
- The return of Curious Dave
Curious
Dave, Let me state for the record that I do not know where Francis is. I
will admit that we haven’t spoken for quite some time but he is very
much alive. If you want to go grave digging, you may want to try the
Toowong Cemetery. I hear that it’s quite populated at this time of year.
Yours
Spookily,
Francis’ Knee
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Dear
Francis' Knee,
Hi Francis' Knee, just wondering what your viewpoint is on religious door
knockers??
- William
Greetings
William, I am not sure if you mean Religious Door Knockers, as in people
who knock on your door and ask if you know where you will be spending
eternity, or if you mean some sort of Novelty brass knocker in the shape
of the Pope. I currently have a Mormon hanging on the screen door with a
brass knocker on his head. Not only does he greet visitors when they
arrive but he lets me borrow his bicycle.
Yours Religiously,
Francis’ Knee
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Dear
Francis' Knee,
When will Shaun be back on TV, I miss his good humour (Not to mention
Wayne’s and Francis' great comic stylings)?
- Kerls
Hello
Kerls, I am unaware of when Shaun will be back on TV (and even more
unaware of Wayne and Francis’ whereabouts). However I have a solution.
Simply play your taped copies of Welcher and Welcher or Micallef Tonight
when ever you feel a loss of his presence. If you do not own any of these
shows, try buying a DVD, or, try the “TV Transforma-Shaun”. Simply
print out the template of Shaun and blue-tack him to your TV screen when
ever you need another dose of Micallef.
Cut
out and keep your Shaun Micallef TV Transfers here! Do print them out
first - attempting to cut your computer monitor with scissors or other
sharp instruments may cause electrocution in rare circumstances.
Still, better to not take the chance, eh?
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Dear
Francis' Knee,
If you eat through your knee where does it come out?
- Bowen
That
is a simple question to answer, Bowen. I don’t eat. No, I’ve
been living off air for the last seven months. It’s one of the
rules of this religious sect that I have joined. No food, only
air. Sleep on a bed of house bricks and bow down to the leader
five times a day. The Young Liberals, I think it’s called.
Yours
in assimilation,
Francis' Knee
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Dear
Francis' Knee,
Francis's knee, I still love you but I think that we
should break up as I am now interested in someone else
and you wont take my calls. Sorry to break it to you
like this! Are you mad?
- James
Yes, I’m furious. But it is better to have loved and
lost than to have contracted a disease.
Your
soon-to-be-jilted-lover-turned-stalker,
Francis' Knee
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Dear
Francis' Knee,
My sister has just informed me that she is pregnant with
your child. Will you support her?
- Nathan B
Dear Nathan, I
think you are confusing me with Francis
Ford Coppola’s knee. I’ll send $10 down if that will
help though.
Yours
Suspiciously,
Francis’ Knee
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Dear
Francis' Knee,
Why am I up this early?
- Sean
Dear
Sean, As
I write the reply to your email, it is currently seven
minutes after midday, so I don’t know what you’re
complaining about.
Yours
wearily,
Franics’ Knee
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Dear
Francis' Knee,
Is it good to be Francis' knee do you sometimes you wish
you were Micallef’s knee?
- Daniel
Greetings
Daniel, We all have times when we wish we were
someone else’s knee. Many a times I’ve wished that I
was David Beckham’s knee but, no, I’ve wanted to be
Shaun’s knee.
Yours happily,
Francis’ Knee
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Dear
Francis' Knee,
According to The Smiths, Meat is Murder. If this
is the case what are muffins? Home Invasion?
- Jason
Dear
Jason, They were probably vegetarians so their
food pyramid is probably a little wobbly compared to the
average Omnivore. So according to them, meat is murder.
To me, meat is more likely to be classed as drunk and
disorderly behaviour. And as for muffins, it really
depends what sort of muffin it is. If it’s a savoury
muffin with say, wheat germ and bran, it would only be a
parking ticket – say, parking over a loading zone. If
however the muffin had chocolate chips in it, it would
be closer to trespassing than home invasion. A Double
Choc-chip caramel muffin with cream cheese swirled on
the top is most certainly an arrestable offence. Avoid
them if at all possible.
Yours Healthily,
Francis’ Knee
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