Name - Percy McGercy
Question - I heard that people from Adelaide eat babies.  Is this true?  I fear for my life!!!

Dear Percy,
While indeed it is true (I've seen it!), you need not fear for your life unless you're under the age of 12 months. And considering you've mastered the art of an online form, you're either a tad older than that or some sort of freak of nature, in which case I doubt they'd eat you anyway (freaks of nature are rather salty, I'm told).

Bon appetit!
Francis' Knee  

Name - Francis Kneebone
Question - I am Francis Kneebone, what the hell are you doing cutting my name off at the knees and using it to impersonate a Dr!?  What is the connection?

Dear Francis Kneebone,

None.  You see, I am Francis-apostrophe-knee, which means AM a knee, rather than that part of the body being my surname.  Nor do I proclaim to be a Dr, but seeing as my grasp of grammar and reading are far greater than yours, I think I have a far better chance at you at gaining this qualification.  And stop calling me at home!

Now, tell me about these headaches,
Francis' Knee  

Name - Itoo
Question -  I too am a nee.  Proudly so.  It is my dream that one day this fair country may have a nee as a Prime Minister.  How is it that we let an anus get there first?

Dear Itoo,

Ha ha ha!  "Et tu, Itoo!" as Mr Howard would say.  But no matter how clever your political observations might be, I think you sir are an imposter!  Knee is spelt with a K.  I think you're an elbow with an identity crisis, off to a doctor with you!

Not yours,
Francis' Knee

Name - Matthew Turner Suri McHaggis
Question - Why am I a part-time gardener on weekends?  I should be rich right?  If I bronze my poos and sell it on ebay, will this make me rich?

Dear Matthew etc etc,

No, no, and no.  Unfortunately.  Ebay is very strict about that sort of thing.  I would tell you that I know that from experience, but I don't wish to embarrass myself.

I'm highest bidder,
Francis' Knee