ASK FRANCIS’ KNEE

Ok, who should I vote for next month in federal election? I only ask because I have to vote, but I am not too thrilled about the choices. Please motivate me.

-Confused and Uninspired

Dear Confused and Uninspired,

Politics is a funny old game. No balls, sticks or costumes. It was Dr. Henry Chopper in 1904 who first summed this up in his controversial paper on modern voting practices, delivered to the University of Unhealthy. It was however supposed to be delivered to The University of Sponge but due to a mix up at the Post office, things were delayed a little. So, in 1924 he took to the stage, and began, "Is, old, balls and... costume." The audience went wild, living in caves, wearing furs and began tearing each other apart for food. Not quite the response he had hoped for. 

Dr. Chopper became an over night success almost over night. He was called to lecture in Hundreds of Universities all over the globe. In was on one of these lecture tours that tragedy stuck. As a passenger bound for Iceland, the paddle-steamer he was traveling on hit a giant polystyrene otter just of the coast of Portugal and all hands and other body parts were lost at sea. It was a strange cargo for sure, but all souls went down with the ship. A transcript of the final distress message sent by the H.M.S Chocolate can be seen in Lisbon's famous, 'Things lost at sea and butter Museum'. It reads,

"...a touch of basil thrown in at the end...what the? Otter...oops..drowning." It is believed that Dr. Chopper may have been summing up in the vicinity of the communications room at the time. 

The news of his untimely demise traveled fast. Within years, several leading newspapers picked up on the story making the headlines for just over a week. A good thing to. Recent events at the National Congress of Singing Inventors had been hogging the front pages. For instance, Herbert Wool's, 'Mens reversible moth costume', for the man attracted to the light-bulb, 'The detachable telescopic pie' for discerning pastry enthusiast and the 'Paint box of doom', a lightweight travel accessory which no true armature watercolor artist could leave home without, featured heavily. 

But where did that leave modern politics? A safari park, with it's windshield wipers being torn off by monkeys? Under the ice in the shape of an pedalo ark? A local 'Bean-sprout and rabbit Jumble sale in aid of the charity, 'More Stones for Africa'? Who knows. It wasn't until 1973 when several volumes of Dr.Choppers poetry were discovered in a Charity shop in England, that people began to re-asses his work and applaud his contribution to the science of voting. 

In his 1924 poem, 'Crisps, they are great.' Chopper best describes what makes the human mind choose to vote for one and not the other. If we take a look at line three verse 78, I think we can understand for the first time, his gut feeling. 

"...and it poisoned him greatly, so much so he died.

Two months later he bought a tonne of steel

And erected a bridge in his own Honor.

For no one else was going to do it.

And he was an construction consultant.

It wasn't a very good bridge, in fact the middle bits didn't join

A bit like modern politics and his drawings were terrible..." 

So, who to vote for? I can't really help you with that one. Take time to go and see the candidates. I have already expressed my views on politics in a previous Francis' Knee, go take a look at that. Vote left, vote right. Use a pen.

Francis’ Knee