Before I begin, may I congratulate you on your abundance of children? If I may quote from a famous nursery rhyme:

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe,
She had so many children she didn’t know what to do.

First of all, a sensible solution would be to find appropriate accommodation. A simple, affordable 2 roomed apartment in the suburbs or a farm in the country would be more that sufficient to house ‘so many children’, though I may stress, it is unclear as to how many children she actually had. It some countries, 30 children is sign of impotence, sorry, importance and in others 2 is just plain showing off, and without the facts, we simply just don’t know. The second option would have been to consult her local GP who I’m sure would have been delighted to explain the concept of birth control. The fact that she was old to begin with, suggests a healthy appetite for nocturnal activities. Astronomy, for example and driving the ‘Night Bus’ would all fall under this category and stay there shivering in the darkness until the coast was clear.

Families are important, the more children you have, the easier it is to build a family tree. Just the other week I nailed my mother to my father’s shoulders to create a suitable trunk. I enhanced the deciduous model by painting them both brown and used a realistic tree ring effect brush from my local D.I.Y store. Hopefully, in later years, I will be able to add other relations creating the illusion of branches, small twigs and finally leafs.

I say risk it, less chance of all of them forgetting your birthday.

I saw an incredibly funny skit where Shaun Micallef was in period costume (I think as a ship's captain) where everybody was knocking all the furniture over with their large flared skirts. I think this should be made into a series. What are the chances? Also, what show was that on?
Regards,
Lucille Hughes

Is it hot in here or is just me? No, the office is on fire. Well, where do I begin? First of all I like to settle down in front of a nice roaring lion with a glass of Finnish Merlot and after box of after dinner mince. I’ll call my personal assistant on the phone and he’ll come over straight away, stopping off at the local bakery to by me some flours. He’ll let himself in to my luxury hut and present attend to my every whim. Last night for example we played ‘Scribble’ for hours before getting the Lego out. (Bits of interlocking molded plastic in the shape of legs) If that doesn’t do it for me I might ask for a quick soothing message. He’ll reply, "Your mum phoned, she’s having BBQ next weekend and was wondering if you could bring the dessert", or something to that effect. After a quick shave and a rub down we’ll hit the Hot tub, usually with sticks or a French loaf. Our frustration gone, we dive in though it’s not been plumbed yet so we just sit there mulling over tomorrow’s schedule. Depending on what supermarket I’m opening or hospital I’m closing down, I’ll make sure everything is in place so as there is no hick-ups. If there are, I’ll simply drink a glass of water upside down or hold my breath for 40 seconds which usually does the trick. If you are interested, my new book, ‘Relaxing the Knee Way’ hits the shelves next Tuesday, hopefully some will land in the correct section. Here are a couple of tips to get you started:

Tip 1:

Carl Mockwester’s, ‘Obscure Mauling Video’. This is a good one if you can’t get to sleep. I like to watch my favorite top ten Savanna mauling moments over and over again, my favorite being the one where the poor chap accidentally walks in to a flock of territorially obsessed giraffes. He should have seen the signs, especially the ones that read, ‘Keep out’ and ‘Danger-giraffes feeding’. Having spent two weeks tracking a wounded tree, they corner it and it is only a matter of time before they start picking off the leaves one by one. Tragically the giraffes turn on the man before he has a chance to negotiate and they lick him to death with their nodule infested tongues, which at first make him giggle before ripping his clothes and skin off. It sends me to sleep every time without fail.

Tip 2:

Open an old fashioned bakery. If I’m having trouble seeing light at the end off the tunnel and can’t focus, I put my glasses on. If that doesn’t work I open up an old fashioned bakery. Due to stringent health checks and a change in modern baking practices, the shop will run in to difficulties within a matter of weeks and will eventually be closed down by the health inspectors. Whatever it was that was preying on your mind, be it money, the unattractive hand-painted sign above the door or the brain eating birds that swarm around your head, you should be able to get on with things and start anew. (This does not however take in to account the fact that a baker’s dozen is actually 13 rolls not 12 which might haunt you for years to come.)