August 2004
(This month, some of Francis' Knee's friends have stepped in to help out while Francis' Knee continues to resolve his technical problems.)
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Dear Francis’s Knee
On several occasions during the night I have begun to sleep-moon-walk. Should I seek a cure or learn to appreciate this new talent/funky affliction? Also, is it terminological?
Douglas
Rob Morrison’s Knee:
Well Douglas, I’m glad you asked. The sleep-moon-walking that you speak of may sound complicated, but it’s actually very simple. To do it effectively, you need only five things: two paperclips, a magnet, a beaker of water and litmus paper. Dip the litmus paper halfway into the beaker of water. When you pull it out again, you’ll find this causes the paperclips to attach to the magnet, using a method called ‘positive attraction’. This ‘positive attraction’ causes the beaker of water to explode into flames, the fumes from which will send you into a suggestive state, thereby perfecting your sleep-moon-walking technique. Impress your friends! And no, Dougy, it’s not fatal. Unless you stick the paperclips too far up your nose. And remember to always have a grown-up nearby, just in case.
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Dear Francis’s Knee
I came over to Australia from Scotland last year in order to find out if it was true. On a short trip to Thredbo, I encountered two snails arguing over a small win on the pokies. It turned out they were husband and wife and after some mediation on my part they settled their differences. By way of a thank you they kindly invited me back to their home for a French horn recital. That was six months ago and the weather is beginning to close in. Additionally, my visa expires in November and I’m more than a little anxious I may become an illegal alien, despite Garry and Barbara’s assurance that we’re nearly there. Therefore, I wonder if you could tell me if I have grounds for a visa extension and, if so, how many bricks are there in the Great Wall of China?
Ally
Paul Michael Glaser’s Knee:
Hi Ally. All I can suggest to extend your visa is to marry an Australian national and his knee, possibly someone with brown wavy hair, great cartilage and a high horse powered vehicle. Marriages of convenience are as old as time, so are a well tested means of staying in your country of choice. Just as long as you can cope with the resentment that will inevitably build up over time of being in a loveless marriage. But how can you NOT love a man with a perm or a knee with a man with a perm? To answer your last question, a little over three billion, and that’s a lotta bricks!
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Dear Francis’s Knee
Is it still legal to coat small animals in frosted sugar? As the proud owner of ‘Wednesday’, I have a lot of spare time, most of which I keep wrapped in cheesecloth, and only bring out when someone famous visits, such as David Bowie or Lion-O from Thundercats. Anyway, after speaking through an old friend of mine, I discovered that in the “old days” the upper echelons of society would celebrate St Anngreevsy Day by dousing their much loved pets in sweet confectionary and stapling them to sticks for a grand parade throughout the kingdom. Granted, my friend is fashioned from a flour based dough, has facial features made from old cake and is no way ‘real’, but his rather poignant observation has literally got me stabbed in several pubs. Your thoughts would be greeted with much intrigue leading to general ignorance and a sense of self worthlessness.
Mr Chuffy
Mel Gibson’s Knee:
Thank you for asking, Mr Chuffy. Yes, as a matter of fact, ‘Chicken Run’ WAS a spiritual experience for me and indeed the springboard, if you will, for my total involvement in ‘The Passion of the Christ’. Actually, many of the characters in ‘Chicken Run’ were trials for the religious characters that make up the rich tapestry that is the spiritual history of mankind, and that ultimately appeared in final form in ‘The Passion of the Christ’. Judas, for example, was represented in part by the Mr Tweedy persona. From there, the rest of course are obvious. For me, making such a spiritual film as ‘Chicken Run’ has only cemented my faith and, in watching it, I hope it does the same for you. In fact, you need not worry at all about feeling worthless as the DVD version comes with eternal salvation as a bonus extra (this statement refers to the Collector’s Edition).
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Dear Francis’s Knee
Over the last year, my girlfriend and I have been having considerable arguments regarding whether to watch Today Tonight or A Current Affair at 6.30. She argues that ACA is always better, whereas I prefer to watch whichever one has the more interesting content on that particular night. On a Friday several weeks ago, when Gardening Australia came on, the sound of Peter Cundall’s voice fueling our preferences made our argument so heated that I ended up pushing her head in the sink and drowning her. Do you have a surefire way to stop the smell of a corpse decomposing, ‘cause it’s really getting to me and Fluffy, I think, suspects something.
Michael Flippert
Harvey Keitel’s Knee:
Michael, if that is your real name......don’t tell me what it is, I don’t wanna know. I can’t tell you how much sh*t I’ve gotten myself into divulging information like that myself. Cleaning something like this up takes time, patience and a willingness to do things right. Now, first, don’t get anyone to help you. Quentin tried to help me out once, but that guy leaves too much blood behind. If you want something done right, do it yourself. That includes producing. No matter how much promise these young directors show, you gotta take the reins. Now Mike, kill Fluffy. If he suspects something, he’s gotta go down or he’s gonna sound you out. You can’t have that. Then, put both bodies in the boot of a car. I’ll take care of the rest. God, I wish I had lungs because I am dyin’ for a cigarette. I’m hungry too. I’m going to get a taco.
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Dear Francis’s Knee
My nobe ib dlockb. Wha shoult I do adoud id?
Gerald.
David Zucker’s Knee:
David had that same problem during the writing of ‘Airplane!’, which you guys call ‘Flying High’ for some strange reason. David couldn’t dictate any of the script. Back then, you see, men didn’t type, and neither did knees. They dictated, and the cute little broads at the film studio would type it out for us. Oh, to have that time over again! Because you know what happened, don’t you Gerald? Because all the dictation was in his voice, David’s good for nothing brother Jerry, who also wrote the script, took credit for all the great lines. I can’t tell you how many times since then I’ve tried to tell people that “Don’t call me Shirley”, “That’s a roger, Roger” and “Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffin’ glue” were the creative genius of David and me, his faithful knee, but they just don’t believe us. If only we’d used Vicks to clear up that stuffy nose! I suggest you do this immediately (available at all good chemists and supermarkets) before your own brother takes advantage of your astute comedic wit and claims it as his own!
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Dear Francis’s Knee
Will I ever get a boyfriend?
Jenny
Knee of the Architect, from ‘The Matrix Reloaded:
I've been waiting for you. You have many questions, and though the process has altered your consciousness you remain irrevocably human ergo some of my answers you will understand, and some of them you will not. Concordantly, while your first question may be the most pertinent, you may or may not realize it is also the most irrelevant. Your life is the sum of a remainder of an unbalanced equation inherent to the programming of the matrix. You are the eventuality of an anomaly which despite my sincerest efforts I have been unable to eliminate from what is otherwise a harmony of mathematical precision. While it remains a burden asciduously avoided it is not unexpected, and thus not beyond a measure of control. Which has led you inexorably here. The matrix is older than you know. I prefer counting from the emergence of one integral anomaly to the emergence of the next, in which case this is the 6th version. As you are undoubtedly gathering, the anomaly is systemic--creating fluctuations in even the most simplistic equations. The first Matrix I designed was quite naturally perfect. It was a work of art...flawless, sublime. And triumphed equally only by its monumental failure. The inevitability of its doom is apparent to me now as a consequence of the imperfection inherent in every human being. Thus, I redesigned it based on your history to more accurately reflect the varying grotesqueries of your nature. However, I was again frustrated by failure. I have since come to understand that the answer eluded me because it required a lesser mind, or perhaps a mind less bound by the parameters of perfection. Thus the answer was stumbled upon by another, an intuitive program, initially created to investigate certain aspects of the human psyche. If I am the father of the matrix, she would undoubtedly be its Mother. She stumbled upon a solution whereby nearly 99% of all test subjects accepted the program, as long as they were given a choice...even if they were only aware of the choice at a near unconscious level. While this answer functioned, it was obviously fundamentally flawed, thus creating the otherwise contradictory systemic anomaly that if left unchecked might threaten the system itself. Ergo those that refused the program, while a minority, if unchecked would constitute an escalating probability of disaster. You are here because Zion is about to be destroyed--its every living inhabitant terminated, its entire existence eradicated. Denial is the most predictable of all human responses, but rest assured...this will be the 6th time we have destroyed it, and we have become exceedingly efficient at it. The function of the One is now to return to the Source, allowing a temporary dissemination of the code you carry, reinserting the prime program. After which, you will be required to select from the matrix 23 individuals--16 females, 7 male--to rebuild Zion. Failure to comply with this process will result in a cataclysmic system crash, killing everyone connected to the Matrix, which coupled with the extermination of Zion will ultimately result in the extinction of the entire human race. There are levels of survival we are prepared to accept. However the relevant issue is whether or not you are ready to accept the responsibility of the death of every human being on this world. It is interesting reading your reactions. Your 5 predecessors were, by design, based on a similar predication--a contingent affirmation that was meant to create a profound attachment to the rest of your species, facilitating the function of the One. While the others experienced this in a very general way, your experience is far more specific--vis a vis..love. Appropos, Trinity entered the matrix to save your life, at the cost of her own. Which brings us at last to the moment of truth, wherein the fundamental flaw is ultimately expressed, and the anomaly revealed as both beginning and end. There are two doors. The door to your right leads to the Source, and the salvation of Zion. The door to your left leads back to the matrix, to her and to the end of your Species. As you adequately put, the problem is choice. But we already know what you are going to do, don't we? Already, I can see the chain-reaction--the chemical precursors that signal the onset of an emotion, designed specifically to overwhelm logic and reason--an emotion that is already blinding you from the simple and obvious truth...she is going to die, and there is nothing you can do to stop it. Hope. It is the quintessential human delusion, simultaneously the source of your greatest strength and your greatest weakness.
I hope this answers your question, Jenny.
