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Francis' Knee February 2005 Dear Francis' Knee, Here is a question that has been nagging me for many years. How long is a piece of rope? Inquisitively, Trent L. Outhouse Dear Trent Outhouse, How long is a piece of string, indeed? How heavy is a wooden cat? How tall is a worm? Who made up the sea? Why is petrol flamb é and giants are not? Who cast Leonardo DiCaprio as Howard Hughes? My mum would have made a more convincing aviator. Who believed Einstein when he said, "**** ******* ******* those ****** *****", who'd have believed Newton when he first discovered method acting? Who'd have run gaily (in the old sense of the word) through a garden full of nettles when they heard man had climbed Everest in a foam mule suit, painted themselves with beef juice and pounced a emaciated lion? Who? Who I ask you?One Brian Hull, that's who. Born in 1904 to a well off family of fake Irishmen and Women, Brian lived the life of a Monk in so much that he was brilliant at illuminations, though, one must point out, terrible at that old fashioned fancy writing very popular with monks and only monks. His promenade and beachfront lighting displays were the talk of the Nation. Never heard of him? I'm not surprised; his tongue was ripped out in 1937. However, his contribution to the world of popular sayings is tantamount to nearly something impressive, if lined up next to a row of slightly less impressive contributions and a bun. Brian was first to tackle the infamous, 'If the wind changes...birds will fall out of the sky." After a bout of the death in 1956, he came up with this brave and memorable effort, "You can lead a horse to water...but then what? Think of the cost, it's a logistical nightmare!" and again in 1957 at a party to commemorate Ramses the Thirds failed around the world trip sampling once-popular regional biscuits, he coined the popular, "What's for you, won't go by you, but will go to several of your neighbours first, all of them having a sneaky peek at the contents in the process."And it didn't stop there; in 1960 he was to return to the world of populist sayings with six ground-breaking new additions. The first being, "Too many cooks spoil the scenery." and "Don't count your chickens before you go all dolled up to a wedding." The rest were written in haste over coffee and a fondle with the Duchess of Igloo, all of which are still in use today. Don't cry over spilt mercury. Don't judge a book by its culinary skills. Scratch my back and I'll be confused as we're playing Monopoly. Variety is the spice of Rogan Josh. Strings and things, -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Francis's Knee, I recently became the victim of a little known disease known only as 'carpenteritis' or to give it it's completely made up name 'piefillingdogsarms'. The main symtoms seem to manifest themselves through the presence of certain individuals being in close proximity to myself, resulting in flocks of flighted creatures surrounding me during aforementioned individuals being in my presence. My question to you would therefore be, why do bisrds suddenly appear every time they are near? In stark contrast to this ailment i am generally in fine form, on top of the world. however i have never looked down on creation as that would be (a) disrepectful (b) really hard to find anywhere allowing for safe access at such an altitude (c)all three. Any advice whatsoever would be greatly appreciated. but in particular anything regarding breaking down the DNA of Spain and splicing it with 'old rope'. Regards, Mr Chuffy Dear Mr. Chuffy, Well now, advice is my 'Bag of clay Rabbits' as they say in the old country, my middle name per say, my Rason Detre....raises a knuckle to mouth smothering a chuckle and a laugh....smugness. Any advice you say? Well how about this for starters. Prawn Cocktail and Ant Pie covered in boiled 'Old Man's Hair'? No thanks, I'd rather eat my own stool. My advice to you young lad would be gather a knapsack of the old variety, made of canvas preferably and ramble off in to the great outdoors, where upon you will wrestle with scantily clad bears, play darts with bearded men and perhaps kiss them if the lighting is right. It shall be a journey of self discovery and animal welding. But take care, it won't be all whittling sticks and camp fires, there'll be many dangers afoot. The odd Polo mallet to the head for instance or being sucked in to a jet turbine shin first and having salt and vinegar crisps crumbs poured in to your eyes. These encounters will make you a tough young individual, if not somewhat bald. What will you find? Goats, and plenty of them I'd reckon. Huge Elephants with big bushy tails, scampering up trees, their cheeks bulging with mouthfuls of acorns. What a sight, I can see it all now...I wish I was coming with you laddie!! What I would give to hiking. My rollerblades, my 1983 signed 'Dukes of Nazareth' Commemorative Sleeping Bag and my Swiss Gravy Goat, useless at sailing due to its greyness to name but a few. Safe journey, Francis's Knee
Dear Francis' Knee, Why does it gets the hose if it doesn't put the lotion on its skin? -Bovine Williams Dear Bovine, Excellent question, my friend, demonstrating your acute perception. Less adorable and requiring glasses however are the tricks of the trade in successfully crafting a stylish off the shoulder woman suit for those special occasions - such as State Funerals and Whippet Tossing competitions. The compliments I received on my own knee-made replica "Eleanor Roosevelt Dipped in Crisps" outfit when Queensland passed away were few and far between, but nonetheless made an impression when I walked into the wall of moulding clay. Use of hosiery to protect the skin in the absence of lotion will achieve the texture of cottage cheese and achieve nothing in the preservation of mullet for armchair cushions or legchair wicker straps. If you want to really obtain the best live biological substances for making imitation lace tulle cuffs and brocaded lapels, may I recommend you try your local TAFE or Ebay. Failing that, Grace Brothers may having something. Decoratively,
Francis’
Knee -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Francis' Knee, Do you know when we will see Season One and Three of The Micallef Program on DVD? As you are attached to Francis Greenslade, I though you might have some knowledge about their release? Daniel Young Dear Daniel, Thank you very much for your 18,934 emails about this matter. I apologise for not answering sooner, as the last 6,742 bounced. Next time, please try submitting your questions encased in cement or applesauce rather than a bundle of elastics. At this stage, you can see a performance of "Waiting for Waiting for Godot to Freakin' End", but over at the other stage, there is a revival of the slapstick play, "Poke in the Eye and Paddle on the Bum". What this has to do with DVD's is beyond me. Why don't you leave a message at http://www.shock.com.au/releases/review.asp?release_ID=126798 about how much you enjoyed the second season DVD and how much you would like to see the rest? I would ask Francis for you but he is not here right now and I am minding the kids. Good luck, Francis' Knee *Webmaster's note - since this correspondence, it
has been confirmed that Series Three of The Micallef Pogram will be released
in mid-2005. |
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