Ask
Francis' Knee
April 2005
Dear
Francis' Knee,
What is 2 + 2?
-Paul
Dear
Paul,
Thank you for your interesting question! It is a question that is
close to my heart as I studied mathematics at Adelaide Uni at the same
time that Francis' was studying Law. Unfortunately I never attended
any lectures as Francis' insisted on attending his and I failed my
first semester miserably. I then decided to study Law, at which point
Francis took up Arts. Oh how we fought!
It was only while Francis was sleeping that I was able to quell my
insatiable appetite for knowledge and gain a Certificate IV in Cake
Decoration.
So I would answer your question, Paul, but Francis has mislaid our abacus.
Mathematically yours,
Francis' Knee
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Dear
Francis' Knee,
Have you got anything planned for the future?
-Paris Crawford
Greetings Paris, in regards to your questions, I do in fact have plans
for the future. Tomorrow I am heading down to the beach
for a picnic, I'll probably paddle about in the water for a while.
Then I might go for an ice cream and have fish and chips for dinner.
Then I'll go home and watch Frasier before heading off to bed.
As for long term plans - no, I have none; except a desire to run
against Peter Costello in the next federal election. Perhaps I will
also buy an axolotl.
Futuristically Yours,
Francis' Knee
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Dear
Francis' Knee,
Can you see through those small eyes?
-Michael Challis
Dear
Michael,
No, I cannot see well at all. Usually only three inches in front of
me. I do however have contact lenses that I wear. I have three pairs
which I wear all at the same time. It does make my vision a little
hazy but I have discovered that I can now see the Glenelg Pier from
just outside Gawler. Impressive in anyone's language – except
Esperanto, as no one tends to speak that anymore. Aj kiel Mi dezir Mi
havis iu paŝ fiŝo!
Yours Magnified,
Francis' Knee
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Dear
Francis' Knee,
Being a knee in this day and age must be a strain. With the
hustle and bustle of every day life, doubled with a society that gives
people false impressions of how they should look and act, do you ever wish
that it were all simpler? How do you cope? you good friend
-Jack
Good Day Jack!
Oh how I wish it were simpler! Only the other day I entered a
McDonald's Family Restaurant to discover that 30 cent cones were now
priced at 50 cents! I suspect a take-over deal by an American Rap
Artist but I can't be sure. Even the pickles are off-centre on the
cheeseburgers nowadays! And coffee! There are several types. Burgers
are served on baguettes! Lettuce is crisp not soggy! What is the world
coming to!
Being a knee, I do get many strange looks from passers by. Just the
other day an elderly lady stopped me in the street and told me that my
Von Dutch sweat band was 'last season'. You ask how I cope? I don't.
Most days I have such bad panic attacks that I fail to get out of bed.
I am usually heavily sedated anyhow and don't notice.
Groggily Yours
Francis' Knee
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D
ear Francis' Knee,
If
Francis hit is shin or stubbed his toe would you feel it
more than Francis?
-Daniel
Dear Daniel,
Pain is a certainty in life. As are taxes, death and repeats of
The
Simpsons, so I'm told. In answer to your question – no, I don't
feel
Francis' pain at all. This is the result of an under 16's Rugby
game I
played in during the 70's.
Mitchell Snegg had the ball and was running towards me. He was a
hulking oaf of a boy; tree stump legs and no neck (as the result
of a
rugby game the previous season). I tried to tackle him but he side
stepped me. The final whistle blew and my team had lost. As I
walked
back to my bicycle in the car park, I was hit by a garbage truck,
driven by Mitchell Snegg. My nose was broken in 18 places. I spent
three days in surgery. My nose has never been the same since; as
in,
it was removed and replaced with a prosthetic one. No one can tell
though, as it blends in with the rest of my face quite well.
Also, all nerve endings were removed. Possibly by accident, as the
doctors never mentioned this and said it was just anaesthetic that
would wear off in a few years. This leads me to have severe muscle
spasms every few minutes. I often disguise this as a spontaneous
interpretive dance number by wearing a lycra bodysuit everywhere I
go.
Cheers,
Francis' Knee
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