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Ask Francis's Knee Archives - JUNE 2006

Name - Chris
Question - Where did I get this rash from?

Dear Chris,
Probably from former Beatle Paul McCartney's estranged wife, Lady Heather Mills McCartney.  The cow.

Yours
Francis' Knee

Name - Bono
Question - I am the world's most powerful man.  Even so, I still get shaky knees in front of the likes of George Bush, Muhammed Ali and quantum physics.  Does this make sense?

Dear Bono (if that is your real name)

Nervousness in front of world leaders, boxers and complicated science is perfectly normal.  There are several tactics you can use:  imagine them in their underwear, take several deep breaths, ensure you have prepared correctly, etc etc.  I suggest you try some of these techniques.  If you find they don't help, perhaps you should seek employment out of the public eye (and a laboratory).  Like as a mechanic, or something.

Not yours,
Francis' Knee

Name - Lee Bigglesworth
Question - I have this guy who won't leave me alone.  He comes over often and I don't want him here anymore.  Everytime he's over wearing shorts and his knees are always showing.  They're really ugly so it's a real turn off.  It feels weird if I fronted up and asked him to wear pants.  Should I maybe draw a face on his right knee in memory of your magic knee?

Dear Lee,

Sure.  Whatever you think.

Or you could just have him shot.

Yours in Goulburn Correctional Facility,
Francis' Knee

Name - Jonny
Question - Is dog poo healthy when swallowed?

Dear Jonny,

I believe the correct word is 'faeces', and it depends who you ask.  Seeing as you're asking me, I would say no.  But then I don't have a mouth and can't swallow it in the first place.  If you asked someone WITH a mouth, they would probably say no too.  In fact they would say it better than I could, as I have to use a series of nerve spasms in order to communicate the word, so it's quite an effort and takes a bit of time.  Best just to put the poo in the bin and have a nice apple instead.

Yours in nutritional value ,
Francis' Knee

Name - Mr Thorne

Question - What are your thoughts on 'Kirks' soft drinks?

Dear Mr Thorne,

Good question, and one I am asked often.  I'm a great believer in supporting smaller, lesser known brands of substandard quality.  It builds a competitive market and hence ensures the price of the bigger brands are less, thus saving you more on your shopping dollar all round.  'Kirks' in particular are well worth the support of the buying public, what with their great range of flavours, long lasting taste, and ... er ... reusable packaging (or you can recycle, if that is your preference).

Having said that, I buy Coke (TM) myself.

Here's to you!
Francis' Knee

Name - Paul

Question - Who took the bomp from the bomp-a-lomp-a-lomp, who took the ram from the ram-a-dam-a-ding-dong?

Dear Paul,

Probably former Beatle Paul McCartney's estranged wife, Lady Heather Mills McCartney.  The big cow.

Yours
Francis' Knee