Shaun Micallef's Online World Around Him                               Back                 Home

Ask Francis's Knee Archives - JULY 2006

Name - James Malveryn
Question - Last night I had a dream I was a schoolboy lawyer and terribly eloquent, serious and clever.  I was flaying them in the case, whatever it was about, and won over the judges with ease.  My question is, despite being not eloqent, afflicted with ADD, simple and someone who enjoys his sleep, do you think a career in law beckons?

Dear James,
With those credentials, I'm surprised you're not a lawyer already!  Certainly this career seems suited to you.  I recommend you specialise in Family Law.  Keep in mind you also need to have a terrible dress sense for this area of law, so work on that and you'll go places!

You owe me $3.00 for writing this letter,
Francis' Knee

Name - Huddo
Question - I am the coach of my son's under 9 hockey team.  They seem a little less interested than previously.  Should I wear shorts when I am on the pitch coaching them as a means to encourage them to play better?

Dear Huddo,

I suggest you don't, in case you get hauled away by the police.  The reason they seem disinterested is because they're playing hockey.  Either give them bigger sticks and allow on-court violence, or let them move onto something more interesting.  Like ping-pong.

Not yours,
Francis' Knee

Name - Alice
Question -  Will I have a nice hairdo for the disco?

Dear Alice,

Certainly!  Particularly if it keeps falling out.

Waiter, there's a hair in my email,
Francis' Knee

Name - Dave
Question - Are you available for kid's parties and corporate functions?

Dear Dave,

Sadly, not any longer.  The Wiggles have an injunction out on me, as part of the "package" I took when leaving their rather merry troupe.  I thought the Black Skivvy Wearing Evil Wiggle was a nice balance to the act, but they thought otherwise and I was forced to leave (and undergo psychiatric treatment).  Also I am not allowed to perform such songs as "Die, Wags, Die" and "Let's Throw Captain Feathersword Overboard to the Sharks" either, even though I wrote them.  If you ever see them perform those tunes, please let me know, so I can sue them.

The Evil Wiggle lives on in my heart,
Francis' Knee

Name - Brian.

Question - When I drink beer I get drunk, but when I am sober I am quite boring.  How do I achieve my dream of becoming a witty alcoholic?

Dear Brian,

Switch to wine.  Red.  Full-bodied with cheeky undertones of oak.  And read some Noel Coward.  But don't do either of these at an RSL club or you'll likely get beaten to death, and that's not witty at all!

Hic!
Francis' Knee

Name - Richard

Question - Why do I see spiritual leaders appear in the room after I've been drinking?  Once I saw Jimi Hendrix appear to me while at a friend's house and asked me to turn Van Halen up on the stereo.  It was a momentous occasion to have been visited by the man.  Also why does my father eat ducks and why is Triple M's Rob Duckworth made out of metal?  Also why does my microwave shoot laser beams to Christ?

Dear Richard,

First of all, take a deep breath and lie down.  Secondly, to answer your many and varied questions:  1.  You couldn't have possibly seen Jimi Hendrix because he was at my place listening to Poison; 2. Your father eats common chicken, he is lying to you about them being ducks; 3.  I thought he was made out of perspex; and 4. I have no idea, best to have it checked out if it's still under warranty.

Yours,
Francis' Knee

Name - Neil,

Question - Why does Shaun have radio hair?

Dear Neil,

It's in the contract.

Yours again,
Francis' Knee