Name - Rove Denton
Question - Given that fact that when a cat falls it always lands on its feet, and when you drop buttered toast it always lands buttered side down, how would a cat land if you taped a piece of buttered toast to its back?

Greetings!

It may surprise you to know that I was once a Myth-tern in Mythbusters. My first assignment was about this very question. Within a month I had a huge room with the experiment in it, ready to go. On the ceiling was a huge net full of cats with buttered toast glued to their backs. It was a bit like a balloon drop and when I pulled the string over 200 cats plummeted to their buttery deaths. It was a bit of a disaster all-round as I had left the cats in the net for over a fortnight and they had all died. The smell was overwhelming causing Adam to pass out. He was then crushed by a dozen or so very stiff cats.

Jamie was not impressed.

Mythically yours,
Francis’ Knee

Name - Mr Wimble the clockwork elephant
Question - Dear Mr Knee, I am writing to invite you to the 32nd annual convention of imaginary friends, mythical personages & down-right fictional entities. We would love you to be guest speaker. Please RSVP to Mr Wimble the clockwork elephant, care of my secretary Viv, behind the wardrobe, through the looking glass, past the phantom tollbooth, underneath the hearthrug, Imaginaryshire.

Dear Mr. Wimble,

I am unable to attend you imaginary friends party as I am actually real and have a Bah Mitzvah to attend.

Sincerely,
Francis’ Knee

Name - Dr. Karl
Question - Hi Francis, or should I say Dr Francis, (well thinking about it a knee doesn't substitute as a doctor.... oh, except for Dr Kneebone who was my GP for 20 year... ah. Never mind... Anyway... I have substantial experience in the world of science and all things trivial except for this one scientific marvel that has been questioned for centuries... Why do Goats eat paper?

Dear Dr. Karl,

It may fascinate you to know that goats have different tastebuds to humans! No really! They do! To goats, a standard piece of A4 paper tastes a lot like Arnott’s Savoury Shapes, whereas A3 tastes more like cottage cheese. There was extensive research done into this phenomenon several years back, but the goats at the results papers, claiming they tasted like chicken nuggets.

Researchically Yours,
Dr. Francis

Name - Christmas Knees
Question - Why do I always stand under the mistletoe accidentally when my mother in law comes over? I'm thinking I have knees that have a brain of their own and possibly have a fetish for her knees... I'm really not too sure. I thought you could help a man in kneed... This just has to stop!!

A belated hello Christmas Knees,

It seems to me that perhaps you have a strange obsession with knees – thus your spelling of need having a ‘k’ in front of it. I recommend you see a therapist and an English teacher.

Signed on the dotted line,
………..X………….

Name - Seattle Lewis
Question - Hi. My parents named me Seattle after I was conceived after a Fleetwood Mac gig there in the early 80's. I kneed to know how come I can't reason with USA customs that I'm eligible for dual citizenship? I have tried on every visit back to my home town and end up being thrown in a weird smelling room being searched and questioned by strange large men with gloves... They must think I’m crazy? Please help me Francis. Your the only knee left in the world that could help me!?!?

Goodnight Seattle!

I’m assuming that the show Frasier has done you no favours? I have a nephew who was named after the town he was convinced in. He was convinced by two yokels that he was actually a girl and re-named himself “Broken Hill.” He’s been in a psych ward for seven years. I send him socks for his birthday.  Perhaps you could be his/her friend?

Regards
F. Knee

Name - Brian Ooble's pseudonym
Question - Dear Francis' Knee, in my local place of residency, there is a girl who I like very much. We are quite good friends, and I am under the assumption that she enjoys my company. The rub is, she has a boyfriend, though one who she is constantly fighting with. My question to you is, having 'taken care' of the boy in question, where should I dump the corpse?

Dear Mr. Ooble,

I am disturbed by your revelation. And frankly, I am disgusted at what you have done. However, the wheelie bin does make a nice easy way to get rid of unwanted humans. Plus it usually smells already, so its virtually undetectable!

Shhhh!
Francis’ Knee